Crash course for phenomenal success | Marisa Peer

Marisa: I’m gonna give you today a crash course
in how to run your brain for phenomenal, phenomenal success. I have been extraordinarily lucky, not in
my early life, but certainly in my adult life because I am an unusual therapist. I never want to be a conventional therapist
ever. And I’ve always been fascinated by how the
mind works. You know, I’ve spent all of my adult life
studying human behavior, studying how the mind works. And when you work with people like that, you
really see something extraordinary, often very good, but sometimes, really, how their
mind works is actually to their detriment. So, when I was in therapy school, I was taught
what all therapists are taught. “Oh, my god, the mind is so complicated. It takes a lifetime to even understand it,
let alone master it.” And when I started working, I thought, “You
know what? I’m just not going to believe that.” Because I was so privileged in working with
extraordinary people, I worked out very quickly that you need to know three things about your
brain. And if you know what these three things are,
and here they are, and if you understand them and put them into practice, you can have pretty
much whatever you want. So, I’m gonna start with number three. That is the one that therapists find the most
frustrating. Your mind loves what is familiar. It doesn’t really like what is unfamiliar. We’re still wired as tribespeople, and in
a tribe, you didn’t really do anything too unfamiliar. That was dangerous. So, the human mind likes what is familiar
and it doesn’t like what is unfamiliar. Do you know how many lottery winners have
lost all their money within two years of winning it? I met this guy. I was doing a show in Edenborough with lottery
winners who have lost everything. He won ‎£10 million, lost the whole lot
in two years. Works in a biscuit factory, makes ‎£200
a week and said he’s happier. He didn’t like that money. What was familiar to him was spending his
paycheck every week, and when he got that ‎£10 million, he got rid of the whole lot. So, you gotta make the familiar unfamiliar. It’s not difficult. It changes your life. So, I’m working on this show in England, and
I’m taking celebrities who are very fat and I’m making them thin. And, of course, weight is an interesting thing. Do you know that 98% of diets fail? Two percent succeed. And so, some of these celebrities, we gave
them everything: dietitians, exercise machines. They’d lose a bit of weight, and then they’d
have a pizza to celebrate. After every weigh-in, they’d order ice cream. It’s like, “No, no, no, guys. You gotta make this new behavior familiar. You can’t celebrate with Ben & Jerry’s.” Anyway, the show is very good, and it got
sold to America, and I got sold to America. Very exciting. So, I’ve gone to LA, and my producers called
and went, “I really need your help. One of our major celebrities,” because in
America, they were bigger in terms of stars, and they were bigger in terms of weight, too,
he said, “He’s having a meltdown. We’re really worried he’s gonna walk off the
show. If he walks off the show, we’re kind of screwed. So, go to his house today and do whatever
you can. Keep him on the show.” I’m like, “Oh, I’ll go now.” He’s like, “What kind of car have you got?” I’m like, “I’ve got a Mustang. You rented it for me. Thank you.” He’s like, “Okay. You cannot put that Mustang outside his house. You can only have a Porsche or a Ferrari or
a Jaguar outside this house.” He said, “Don’t even put it on the street. That will wind him up. Put it around the corner.” So, I’m driving along to Beverly Hills in
my, I thought, very cool Mustang. And I turn up at this, like, massive extraordinarily
stunning house. I knock on the door. He lets me in and he says, “I don’t know why
they sent some Brit here to sort me out. You know, I’ve been in every rehab. I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen every therapist. No one can help me.” I’m like, “Let me see what I can do.” And then he said to me, “You have the look
of my third wife. Something about you reminds me. She was such a disappointment to me.” So, I’m like, “This is an amazing house. Wow.” He went, “I hate this house. I’m leaving. And I hate my neighbors. I’m moving.” So, I’m like, “Okay.” And then I noticed he has a BAFTA, and I’m
like, “You have a BAFTA?” He went, “Do you know what a curse it is to
get a BAFTA? Every time I make a film, I’m expected to
get another BAFTA.” So, I’m like, “You know what? I know what’s wrong with you.” He’s like, “Really? What? What?” I said, “You just don’t think you’re enough,
do you?” Oh, wait. This is already up for you. You do not think that you are enough. And considering how cranky he was, these big
tears started to leak out of his eyes. He said, “Do you think that’s true?” And I’m like, “Come on. I know it’s true, and so do you. I mean, look, you can’t have a car in your
drive unless it’s a Porsche. You’ve had four ex-wives who have all disappointed
you. Your BAFTA is a curse, and you don’t like
this amazing house. But, anyway, look. Tell me about your life.” So, he’s now quite mellow and he’s telling
me his life. He’s raised in a trailer park. They have no money. His dad’s a construction worker when he can
get work. The mum works as a night nurse for more money. And they’re pretty much dirt poor. And because the mum’s working nights every
day, he cooks his dad a construction worker’s dinner of meat, vegetables, potatoes. And he has this weird stuff I’ve never heard
of called saps, which is milk soaked in bread. And I’m like, “Did your dad ever share his
food?” He went, “Are you kidding? He would share that with the dog before he
even gave me his leftovers.” I’m like, “Well, there it is.” “If your own father doesn’t like you, if you
don’t even get the same food that you cook for him, if he prefers the dog to you, none
of your needs are met. Now, children must idealize their parents. That is a fact. You have to idealize your parents. And when your parents are wrong, you can’t
ever get that so you think, ‘I’m wrong.’ So, what you’ve done is very common. ‘I’m not enough that’s why my parents treat
me like this. I’m gonna get better, and then they’ll be
great.’ And that is the driver that has made you extraordinarily
famous and successful. But guess what? You still think you’re not enough. And all this stuff is never gonna help you
because you don’t feel enough. So, if I was a doctor, I was diagnosing you,
here’s your diagnosis. You don’t think you’re enough. And here’s your prescription. I want you to say it every day in the shower,
‘I’m enough.’ What else are you gonna say in there? ‘Oh, I love the smell of this Jo Malone shampoo.’ ‘I’m enough.’ You say that over and over and over again.” So, he’s quite up for it. So, we’ve gone around his house and I’ve written
on all his mirrors in big lipstick, he’s got a lot of lipstick with four ex-wives, “I’m
enough.” I said, “Just say it, say it, say it. Think it.” So, I’ve written it, and I’ve taken his phone
and I put it on his phone alerts. Every morning, every night, it pings with,
“I am enough.” Anyway, he stayed on the set and we’ve done
a little bit of work. And then I’ve had to come back to London because
I’m doing both shows. Six weeks here, six weeks there. Six weeks later, I’m back on my set and I’m
going onto the studio. I’m on the lot and I’m walking to the recording
studio and I see someone only about as far away as you. And when I see him and he sees me, he starts
to undo his trousers. Then, he undoes his shirt and I’m like, “Is
this guy really gonna flash me on a lot in L.A.? And where is security?” And then I realized it’s him. And when I get close, he went, “Look at me. I have lost so much weight. Look how flat my stomach is.” He said, “I never would have believed that
those three words could change my life.” “Well, they do that. They changed my life. That’s why I teach this stuff.” He went, “No, but guess what? I’ve sold the Porsche.” He goes, “I’ve got a Mini. Now I’m not a fat, cranky bastard. I don’t need that Porsche. And guess what else? I’ve just started to date a hairdresser.” He said, “All my girlfriends have been models
and actresses.” He said, “I’m having a normal life.” He said, “It’s, like, amazing.” So, I stayed in touch with him, and a couple
of years ago, he called me. He went, “Guess where I am?” I’m like, “Tell me.” He said, “I’m fishing in Iceland. And guess what else? I’m happy.” He said, “I’ve never been happy in my life. I’ve just got a normal life, and I’m so happy.” So, I’m back in England, and a psychiatrist
calls me. Because I do very unusual work, occasionally,
when a psychiatrist can’t get anywhere, they send me their clients. And this psychiatrist said, “Look, we’ve got
this girl. She’s tried to kill herself. She’s been sectioned. I don’t know what to do with her. I’m so scared she’s gonna jump out of a window. Can you come and see what you can do?” So, I’m like, “Sure.” I’ve worked with him a lot. So, I’ve gone to this hospital and I’ve read
her notes, and I understand what’s going on. Her mother killed herself when she was young. She found her mother. She’s a city trader earning ‎£3 million
a year. She’s a compulsive shopper, and she’s just
tried to jump under a train. So, I’ve gone into her room and I’ve said,
“Do you know what’s wrong with you?” She went, “Oh, yes. I have manic depression. I’m bipolar. I’m a compulsive shopper and I’m a hoarder.” I’m like, “You don’t think you’re enough.” I said, “All this other stuff… Your mum tried to kill herself…well, did
kill herself, and you found her. And any child going through that would think
the same thought. ‘If I was enough, how would my mum do that? I wasn’t even enough for my mum to live or
not even to kill herself where I didn’t find her.’ And all this shopping is just filler for the
fact that you don’t think you’re enough.” And I said, “I want to help you.” She said, “Well, I’m gonna kill myself. It’s not if, it’s when.” I’m like, “Well, okay, but before you do that,
how about you just have a month of saying, and they’re not letting you out of here anyway,
so how about just saying, ‘I’m enough.’ They’re not letting you near any windows so
you’re really gonna be locked in this room for a while. But how about just doing it?” So, I did the same thing. Took her phone, put on it, “I’m enough.” And it goes off every morning, every night. Wrote it on her mirror. Because she was so very fragile, I made her
a recording. I hypnotized her. I sat next to her, and I just said in her
ear over and over again, “You are enough. You are enough.” I made her say it back. Because she’s so fragile, I start to text
her every day saying, “You’re enough.” And she starts to text me back, “I am enough.” And this girl had such a phenomenal transformation. She gave up her job. She started a charity for depressed people. And this TV station’s got her story and she’s
gonna be on the TV. And they said, “Can you come on as well? Because you helped her.” I’m like, “Okay.” So, I’d gone on the TV. This is not about me, this show. It’s about her. But at one stage, the anchorman looked at
me and went, “But what did you do? What did you do that no one else did?” And I kind of took a bit of a breath and I
thought, “Oh, my god. They’re gonna think this is really woo-woo,
really [inaudible 00:10:53].” I went, “Well, I told her she was enough. I made her a recording to listen to every
day. I wrote it on her hand. I wrote it on her mirror.” And I waited for him to roll his eyes, and
he went, “Oh, my god, I love that. I’m gonna go home and I’m gonna write that
on my mirror. And I think all our viewers will love that.” So, I’ve gone home and I have thousands of
emails saying, “Where can I get this book called, ‘I’m Enough?”” It’s not a book. It’s a part of a book. So, I’m home and this psychiatrist around
me went, “Oh, I saw the show.” I said, “What did you think?” He went, “Oh, my god, it’s so depressing.” I’m like, “What? The mother?” “No. You cured that girl in an hour. I have been working with her for years.” I’m like, “Well, why don’t you do what I do?” I mean, I don’t understand. Every psychiatrist is taught the common denominator
of all our problems is we don’t feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, lovable
enough. So, when you do that, a psychiatrist, “How
do you feel today? And how did that make you feel?” which is
really a psychiatrist saying, “I don’t have a fucking clue what to do with you so I’ll
just keep saying, ‘And how did that make you feel?'” Stop doing that shit. Go straight to what’s wrong with them. It doesn’t matter what they feel. They don’t feel enough. And then what’s really interesting is I’ve
got it going on in my house. So my daughter is an artist. In her first showing, she sold two-thirds
of all her work in one night. And then it stopped. And she went, “Oh, mummy, you know, it’s so
hard being an artist. I just don’t think I can do this anymore because
people aren’t buying my work.” And I’m like, “Well, you know, baby? You have picked a career with a lot of rejection
and you’ve got to learn that they’re not rejecting you because you’ve actually made your art
really edgy and dark. It used to be really pretty. And maybe people don’t like that. But let me help you out. You mustn’t let rejection in. They’re not rejecting you.” So I’ve written on her mirror, “I’m enough.” In her bedroom, in her studio, in her bathroom. She went, “Oh, mum. That is so lame. I am not having that on my walls because all
of my friends are gonna laugh at me.” And I’m like, “Well, you know, baby, you can
take it off any time you like. But how about just leaving it for a little
while?” So I’ve gone back to the States. I run upstairs and there’s my daughter painting,
painting, painting, and it’s still up. It’s on all her walls. And I’m like, “Oh, you didn’t take it down?” She went, “You know mum, I was going to but
all my friends went home and wrote it on their wall, and my boyfriend wrote it on his wall. And…” This is minor. This is the link. I’ll come back to this later. Here she is. “And I put it on my Facebook page, and it
got so many likes. So I left it up there.” It’s still up there now. So now I’ve got this plumber in my house and
he’s going, “What’s all that on your wall? What is that, ‘I’m enough?'” And I went, “Well, you know, it’s my little
philosophy. Changing the world is a big ask but I wanna
change people. And the way to change them is by making them
feel they’re enough.” And so he went, “My son,” he said, “he’s so
angry all the time.” He said, “He’s a bit of a nerd. He hasn’t got any friends, and I don’t know
what to do. Shall I go home and write that on his mirror?” I’m like, “No, because you are a dorky, stupid
dad. Never do that. Write it on your fridge in big fridge magnets
and write it on your bathroom toilet mirror downstairs. Or if you have a hall, write it there.” Anyway, 12 days later, he’s back with my plumbing
but I’ve never had a plumber more keen to get back into my house. He’s not going to rip me off. He said, “Oh, my god.” He said, “That’s, like, so weird.” He said, “He’s still a nerd but he’s a happy
nerd. He’s joined some nerdy club and he’s got some
nerdy friends and he’s not angry.” He said, “But even more weird, my wife, who’s
going through the menopause, was so sad. She says that every day.” He said, “Now I wanna write it on the mirror
of every bathroom I’m working.” And I’m like, “No, no. You really can’t do that yet. Maybe one day.” So this “I’m enough,” it really changes people. So a lot of you in this room, you’re interesting
people. Creative people are very, very suggestible. It’s a huge gift when you understand that
if you’re creative, you’re suggestible. Whatever you tell your mind, it believes. And, unfortunately, a lot of my clients are
rather like the Philip Seymour Hoffmans, the Heath Ledgers, the Robin Williams of the world
that think they’re not enough and give themselves really, really bad suggestions. So I’m sure some of you are going, “Hey, Marisa,
I’m way ahead of you. I have known this for 10 years. I know I’m enough. I don’t need this stuff,” which is great. What about your children, your wives, your
husbands, your staff, your friends, your family? They really need this stuff. So last month, I got this very interesting
job. Condé Nast said, “Fly to Paris. We want you to speak to the editor of every
single Vogue and every Vogue traveler and all our magazines about why magazines aren’t
selling.” It’s like, “Oh. That’s not really my remit but, hey, whatever.” So, I’ve got on Eurostar, gone to Paris, and
I’m gonna tell them the truth. “Do you know why magazines don’t sell? Because you make women feel they’re not enough. And while fashion is all wonderful and lovely,
and I’m the first one to go, ‘I love my Prada handbag,’ you could do so much more by meeting
someone’s emotional needs.” So, anyway, they’re in the room. I’m giving my talk. I’m not quite sure how they’re going to go
for it. But what’s happening is… Oh, I’ll come back to this in a minute. As I’m putting up my slides, they’re all getting
out their cameras and they’re all taking pictures. And I’m telling them this story. I gave a talk for Ernst & Young, and when
I finished I said, “Any questions?” They went, “Yes. Could you come back and give another talk
as soon as possible?” I’m like, “Sure.” So I’ve gone back, and this woman has run
up and went, “Oh, my god. You changed my life in 10 minutes.” And she said, “Look what I’ve got on my hand.” I’m like, “Is that penned?” She went, “Nope. It’s a tattoo. I’ve had it tattooed on my hand and it’s changed
my life.” So, all the Vogue editors are taking a picture
of this, and I said the same thing to them. Actually, there were some guys in the room. I wasn’t expecting that. And I said, “Look, some of you probably are
enough and you’ve got everything and you’re at the top of your game.” And there’s the CEO of Condé Nast there. I said, “But, you know, you have the same
thing. You have daughters, you have sons, you have
family members, you have people that need this stuff. So, even if you don’t need it, do it for them.” Anyway, when I finished, they’re like, “That
was so awesome.” They said, “We’re canceling the whole day
and we’re taking you out to dinner.” And they didn’t even put on the next speaker. They did put him on the next day. And the head of Condé Nast said, “You know
what? I’m so glad you said that.” He said, “Because I am okay. I’ve got everything. I’m happy. But my two daughters, they come on shoots. They meet top models.” He said, “The eldest one is already beginning
to show signs of anorexia. I am going home. I am so invested in ‘I’m enough.'” He said, “I’m gonna put that on their walls. I’m gonna have a piece of art commissioned.” Of course, the head of Condé Nast would have
a piece of art commissioned. “And it’s gonna say, I’m enough.” And I went to see one of my clients in Spain
recently, and she knows she’s enough. She’s got everything. She’s beautiful, lovely, spiritual, got a
great company. I’ve walked in her office and she has a bank
of computers. And every one is trinkling [SP] with this
screensaver saying, “I’m enough.” And she’s like, “You know what? I put that on there for my staff because they’re
all, like, young girls, young women. But, actually, what’s happened is they’re
better employees. They’re all so content. They don’t seem to have time off sick. So, it’s become a win-win.” So, how many of you can actually put your
hand on your heart and go, “Yeah, maybe. Maybe somewhere, I don’t feel enough.” You see, we’re all born knowing we’re enough. When I used to take my little baby out in
her [inaudible 00:18:51], “Oh, my god, your baby’s so cute.” She didn’t go, “Don’t look at me. I’m having a bad hair day. I have these triple knees and I’ve got a dirty
nappy.” She would kick her little legs and smile. Because when you’re a kid, you know you’re
enough. You get a round of applause when you pee in
the toilet. You blow your nose, she goes, “Oh, my god. He can blow his own nose.” You say the word “cup,” they go, “He’s a genius. He just said cup.” And then, you go to school. And, you know, my daughter’s gone to this
private school. She’s come back, she says to me, “Mummy, what
is a waste of space?” I’m like, “Where did you hear that?” She said, “My teacher said I’m a waste of
space because I couldn’t draw a circle.” Okay. A couple of weeks later, I’m taking her to
school and she said, “Mummy, you see that little boy? He can write his name in a box. I can’t do that.” I’m like, “Baby, your name is Phaedra. The P goes down, the H goes up. It’s a beautiful, unusual name. His name is Sam. In a year, everyone can write their name in
a box. Who cares? You’re a beautiful artist. You’re clever. You’re funny. Do not compare yourself to someone who can
write their name in a box called Sam.” But that’s what schools do and that’s what
you’re up against. So, how many of you here are willing to write
that on your mirror? You see, this changed my plumber’s son. Male: Yeah, baby. Marisa: Thank you. Let me see the hands again. How many of you are gonna do that, not just
for you but for someone else? You know, you hear that saying, “If you make
a difference to one person, your life has meaning and purpose.” And if you do that, you’re gonna make a difference
to so many, many people. So, your mind doesn’t care what you tell it. It believes everything you say. So, let me just go back to this lemon. Okay. Let me show you how your mind is. Your mind doesn’t care if what you tell it
is right or wrong, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. It lets it all in. So, here’s a lemon. A big, fat, juicy lemon. Imagine you’ve got this in your hand. Put everything down. Put your hand in front of your mouth. Close your eyes. I want you to imagine you’re breathing in
this wonderful lemon. It’s like, “Oh, that great lemon smell.” And you’re squeezing that lemon. Open your mouth. Cram that lemon into your mouth. Start sucking it and biting it and chewing
the flesh. Suck out that flesh, and chew it and bite
it. And you all know what’s happening. Your mind’s like, “Oh, my god, you’re eating
a lemon? That’s really damaging to tooth enamel. Let me wash that away.” And you’re making saliva to a thought because
your mind doesn’t care. It lets in anything you tell it. So, let me show you another one. Everyone stand up, and everyone point their
left arm at me. Just like that. And all you’re going to do, quick practice
so you don’t poke out your friend’s eye, you’re gonna do that. That’s all you’re gonna do. So, take your arm, put it as far behind you
as it will go. Push it to its limit. Look at where it is. Bring it back. Drop your arm down. Close your eyes. Stay where you are. And I want you to say to your arm, I’m going
to repeat this in a minute, you are gonna go a third further. Just tell your arm, “You will go a third further.” See, all the muscles in your arm, like Play-Do,
like elastic. You’re like Barbie now, or Ken. You’ve got a super-flexible arm and it’s gonna
go right behind you. So, see it going a third further. Tell your arm to go a third further. Point your arm out at me again. Before you start, just know it is gonna go
a third further because you told it to and because you’ve seen it. Do it again and just watch as your arm goes
a whole third further because you told it to. So, let’s do one more. Thank you. This is your mind, guys. Your mind will do what you tell it. Now that you know that, tell it great things
all the time. It does what you say. You know, I work with infertility. It’s not wu-wu. I have extraordinary success at women who
are 40 getting pregnant. Because they’ve said, when they’re 17, “If
I get pregnant, that will be the end of the world. Oh, my god, it would be a nightmare to have
a baby.” And then they can’t get pregnant. And I tell them, I tell their body to be super
fertile, to give them the perfect egg. They get pregnant. They have perfect births. Because your mind does what you tell it. But when you go, “That would be a nightmare,
that would be a disaster,” it goes, “Well, we’re not gonna go there.” So, hands by your side, feet together, and
you need to all close your eyes. This is nothing scary. It’s just fun, just seeing your own power. So, with your eyes closed and your feet by
your side, feet together, I want you to imagine right in front of your chin is the most powerful
magnet. It is pulling you forwards. You hare hinging forward from the chin. That magnet is so powerful, it is pulling
you, pulling you, pulling you. Your knees are locking. You really need to go up onto your tiptoes
as that magnet pulls you and pulls you and pulls you forward, forward. Don’t try to stop it. It’s completely safe. And now, eyes closed, that magnet has gone
to the back of your head and your whole head is pulling backwards, backwards, backwards. You’re leaning back. You’re hinging back. Your knees are locking. Your toes are coming right up into the air
as that magnet pulls you backwards, backwards, backwards. And now, it’s gone right to the left of your
left shoulder. And just like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, you
are leaning. Your ear is pulled to the left. Your whole body is hinging. You’re going right onto the side of your left
foot as that magnet pulls you and pulls you and pulls you to the left. And open your eyes and take a seat. You see how powerful you are? Your mind does whatever you say. So, I don’t understand we’re going, “Oh, I’m
going to fuck that up. That’s not going to work. I know I’ll get that wrong. That’s going to be a disaster.” So, make the familiar unfamiliar. One of the things that I find so interesting
with the familiar… Oh. These are all of the things that come in all
the time from “I’m enough.” One of my clients, someone made her this cake. I love this. One of my clients made that for me. Isn’t that fantastic? I mean, if you can tell yourself a magnet
is gonna pull you off your feet, well, how about telling yourself that every single day? One of my clients just made that. You can’t really see it. She sent me this beautiful work of art and
it says in the middle, “I’m enough.” Personally, I’d have that in massive letters
because it’s the most important thing. But that’s a lovely gift. Okay, we’ll go back. So, one of the things that’s really, really
important to make familiar is praise, and one of the things to make unfamiliar is criticism. And if criticism is familiar and if praise
is unfamiliar, guess what happens? I might say to you, “I love that talk you
gave earlier,” and you’re going to go back, “Do you know it wasn’t very good? I forgot the best bit. And the other person was much better.” I might say to you, “I love that shirt,” and
you’re going to go, “I’ve had it for five years. It’s got a hole in it. I got it in a second-hand shop.” What are you doing? You don’t like praise because it’s unfamiliar
so you’re rejecting it, and you are adding in criticism because that is familiar. Who here does that? Anyone here do that? Okay, you’ve got to stop because…yeah, because
I told you to. You’ve also got to stop… Creative people are massively suggestible
but you’ve really got to stop because… So, this is the wrong way around. The major cause of depression are harsh, hurtful,
critical words that you say to yourself over and over again. Scientists know this. They’ve known it for 10 years. I’m gonna tell you that again. The major cause of depression is harsh, hurtful,
critical words that you say to you. So, we know that praise massively boosts your
self-esteem, and guess what diminishes it? Criticism. Criticism withers people. Praise builds them up. But your own praise is more effective than
someone else. If I said to my PA, “Oh, my god, you’re indispensable
to me. I just love you. Could you work all weekend?” I have an agenda. But when you praise yourself, there’s no agenda. So, I’m working with this novelist and he’s
really, really, very, very depressed indeed. He’s right on the edge. And every time I say something to him like,
“Oh, my dad loved that film,” he goes, “Oh, it was terrible. The director got it all wrong. The casting agent was wrong.” He cannot let in praise at all. And his story, so when he was 17, he was in
love with this girl in his village who was in love with him. His parents wanted to move 300 miles away. He didn’t want to go. And the girlfriend’s parents said, “You can
come and live with us because she’ll be heartbroken if you move.” And his parents said, “If you move, we will
never speak to you again.” So he moved. They cut him off at the knees. They didn’t even give him an address. They never saw him. He married this girl, had three children,
hugely successful, and she died. And her parents died in an accident. And now this guy is alone and devastated. And he finds his parents and he says to them,
“I’m all alone. I just need you.” They’re like, “Okay. Well, look, you’ve done very well. Could you buy us a house?” “Okay.” “With a swimming pool.” “Okay.” So he’s bought them this amazing house and
they are the most critical, mean, withholding people who’ve never praised him. And his dad’s died. And now he’s gone into this deep depression. And I understand that because he’s never got
praise. So, I’m talking about this missing thing and
I said to him, “Listen, what do you want? What did you want your dad to say?” And I knew what it was. He couldn’t even say it. So, I put my hand on his shoulder and I went,
“You are a good son.” His shoulder started to shake. He started to shake. He cried so much. He couldn’t even hear me. So then I went, “Listen, let this in. You are a good son. Your dad is never going to tell you. The fact that he’s dead is irrelevant. He wouldn’t say it when he was alive but you
say it.” So, I’m now making him say, “I’m a good son. I’m a good son.” I can’t even tell you how it transformed him. So, how many of you here have got a missing
part, something, some teacher, parent, ex-girlfriend, boyfriend, someone who’s never said to you,
that you’d like to hear? And it’s all pretty much the same stuff. “I’m a good kid. I’m a loving person. I’m clever.” You know, my teachers always told me I was
stupid, and I let that in. And now I don’t let it in. And I thought I was hideously ugly, too, but
it doesn’t matter because you can change. So, everyone close your eyes and you’re going
to say out loud what it is you want to hear. No one’s listening to you because we’re all
doing our own stuff. So, I want you to say it. “I am…” Say it out loud right now. Make it familiar. Okay. I want to hear you. Say it louder. Together: [crosstalk 00:30:13] Marisa: Keep going. Together: [crosstalk 00:30:16] Marisa: A good person. A loving daughter. A fantastic employee. I don’t care what you say. Finish the sentence. Keep going. I want you to keep doing this because you’re
gonna make the familiar unfamiliar, but now you’re all going to say out loud, really loud,
“I am enough.” Together: I am enough. Marisa: I am enough. Together: I am enough. Marisa: I’ve always been enough. Together: I’ve always been enough. Marisa: And now that I know that I’m enough… Together: And now that I know that I’m enough… Marisa: Everyone else knows it, too. Together: Everyone else knows it, too. Marisa: And I will always be enough. Together: And I will always be enough. Marisa: And open your eyes. So, what you’re doing here is you’re making
the familiar unfamiliar. But the other thing about the brain which
is really interesting is that it does what it thinks you want. And you’ve got to be very careful telling
your brain what you want. So, when I’m working on the show, I’m watching
these Marines, and I’m noticing that these Marines are running up a hill in pitch black
with a miner’s light on their head, carrying their own weight in a backpack, and they’re
singing. And this is how the brain works. So, the Marines’ running up the hill and singing
and the mind’s going, “Um, you seem to be running up a hill in the pouring rain with
a miner’s light strapped to your head through sheep shit with half your body weight in your
back and you’re soaking wet.” And the Marines’ going, “Yeah, bring it on. I love it. I’m singing.” And the brain’s like, “Oh, yeah. I kind of am getting that, with the singing,
you like this. Well, if you like it, I don’t need to do anything.” But, of course, the celebrity is like, “If
you think I’m going out in that rain with a miner’s light on my head, you are insane. If you think I’m exercising in the rain, you’re
mad.” So, they told their brain they didn’t want
to do it. So, you gotta tell your brain what you want. So, what happens when you say, “Oh, god, I’m
working so hard. I really want to have a day off. I’d love a week off lying in bed.” Your brain’s like… So, this is you. “I’ve got to work all weekend. I just want some time to myself.” Your brain’s like, “You want time to yourself? Leave that with me. There you go. I’ve given you the flu. How cool is that? Now no one’s coming near you.” Because this is not communicating with your
brain. So, if you have your own business, you just
do it a little differently. “Okay, I’m working all weekend. It’s kinda hard but, hey, I want my own business. I want success. I’m choosing to do this.” These two words, “I’m choosing to do this,”
and, “I’m choosing to feel great about it,” will change your life. So, you go, “I’m choosing to do this. I’m choosing to work nights. I want this. I want to write my book through the night. I feel good.” And your brain’s like, “Really?” Oh, really. And let me use even more important words. “I’m elated writing my book all night. I’m delighted to spend weekends working.” Your brain’s like, “Yeah, I’m getting that
with the words. Nothing for me to do except I can set you
on fire. You’re going to right through the night now
because you love this stuff.” Your brain doesn’t care. So, you’ve got to be very careful how you
communicate with your brain. So, who here isn’t having great communication
at having their mind understand they want to be really healthy and fit and have a great
diet and not eat cake or pizza? Okay. So, this is bad communication with the brain. I’ll give you a quick demo. So, you’re in a restaurant and you go, “Oh,
my god, they have pizza. I love pizza, but I’m on a diet.” And your brain goes, “Pizza. Hey, you gotta eat the pizza. You love pizza.” “No, I’m on a diet.” “Yeah, but last time you went, ‘Oh, my god,
this is better than sex.'” Your brain’s like, “Eat the pizza.” “No, I’m having salad.” Your brain’s like, “Salad? When did that ever give you intense pleasure? Eat the pizza.” Now you go, “Now, I feel really bad. I’ve eaten the pizza. I feel guilty.” Your brain’s like, “Have more pizza.” That’s why we call it comfort food. And now you go, “Now, I feel fat. I feel guilty. I feel bad.” And your brain’s like, “Have a beer. Have some ice cream.” Because what you’ve done is your brain does
what it thinks you want, and when you go, “I want pizza, but I need to be thinner. I want ice cream, but I’m on a diet,” you
just crank up the desire. This is how you get it right. Really easy. Same situation. “Oh, they have pizza. Yeah, it does look nice but you know what
looks really nice? Pizza looks nice but what looks really nice
is when I get on the scales every day and I’m my perfect weight. When my clothes look great.” And your brain’s like, “No, you love pizza.” “Yeah, I thought I loved pizza but, actually,
I love being fit and healthy.” “Really?” “Really. And just so you know, I’m gonna use words
like, ‘It thrills me to eat salad. It delights me to take control of my health. It makes me feel good.’ When I’m 95, I can eat pizza. Right now, I want to look really hot in my
underwear, maybe out of my underwear, too. And when I’m 95, that door is shut. So right now, I’m going to choose to be thin. I’m gonna choose to feel great.” And your brain goes, “Oh yeah, I get that. I get that.” And you know what? I didn’t learn any of this from a book. I learned it from my clients. I got sent to work with this actress who’s
stunning, and she’s not eating. And they’ve had to shut down the set because
of what she did. So, what she’s done, she eats cotton wool
soaked in zero-calorie squash every day, and sometimes blotting paper. That’s her varied diet, cotton wool, blotting
paper, zero-calorie squash, to fill up her stomach. And she can do it if she locks herself in
the trailer while they’re filming. But the director, apparently he’s so incredibly
unreasonable according to her, so he’s making her rehearse, and all the food trucks have
come in. And now she’s smelling the food. She wants to eat. So, she’s run into the bathroom and she started
cramming toilet paper into her mouth, a lot of toilet paper. And she starts to choke. And security kicked down the door [inaudible
00:36:02] glamorous job, pulled out all this toilet paper out of her mouth, and have said,
you know, “Now, our insurance is invalidated. You can’t do that anymore.” So, they brought me in and she said, “Listen,
I am not giving that up. I would rather die than be fat. I will do anything to be thin.” Do you know how hard it is to eat half a toilet
roll dry? Unless you tell your mind, “I want to do this.” So, the thing with the brain is you’ve got
to tell it what you want. “I want this. I’ve chosen. I’ve chosen to feel great about it.” Your mind does what it thinks you want. And this is not positive thinking. This is clear, precise, specific programming
with your mind when you tell it, “I want this. I’ve chosen it. I love it. I feel great about it.” Why do you think junkies can squirt heroine
straight into their eyeball or inject themselves into the nipple or into their perineum? Because they say, “This is fantastic.” You and I wouldn’t say that. Your mind doesn’t care. So, tell it great stuff. So, the third thing about the mind…I’m gonna
race through this a bit. See, these are all the words we use. “This is hell. This is driving me insane.” Your mind responds to two things: the pictures
you make in your head and the words you say to yourself. There is nothing else. And now that you know that, you can change
the pictures. You can change the words. There’s no hell in your supermarket. It isn’t a torture to be in traffic. So, when you get on a plane, what do you think? See, I’m waiting to get on a plane. I’m at the front of the queue, and this woman
in front of me is crying. She’s shaking. And her husband’s begging and pleading, “Please,
baby, get on the plane.” And the ground crew are like, “Okay, we’ve
already called staff. We’re now taking her bags off the plane. She cannot get on the plane like that.” So, I’m like, “Oh, my god.” Now they’re going to take her luggage off. We’re all gonna miss our slot. I’ve got to see this client. I’ve got one half-day to see him, and the
flight’s gonna take off three hours late. So, I’ve said, “Listen, let me help you.” I would’ve helped her anyway. I said, “What’s going on?” And she said, “I’m terrified of flying.” She said, “Look. Look at that plane. That’s a flying coffin.” I’m like, well, that would make anyone terrified
of flying. So, I said to her, “What did you do last night?” I knew. She said, “Oh, well, I did all my laundry.” “Why is that?” “Well, if I die, I don’t’ want anyone going
through my laundry basket.” I’m like, “Do you do that when you go to the
store?” “No, of course, I don’t.” And I’m like, “No, because you don’t even
have a fear of flying. Do you know what you have? You have a fear of not being in control. But guess what? When you change the pictures in your head,
it changes everything. So, I can get you on that plane in a few minutes.” And I was telling about I took my daughter
on a ride to Disney Land. I thought we were gonna go around and around. We got on this thing. It went up, and then it went down. I thought my brain was gonna be scrambled
in my head. I can’t tell you how much I hated it. And my daughter started screaming. So, I started shouting out, “Oh, I love this. This is fantastic. This is amazing.” My daughter’s looking at me like, “Really?” And when we went down again, she goes, “Mum,
did you like that?” I’m like, “No. No.” But I knew that if I started going, “Oh, my
god, I hate it,” I’m going to intensify the pain. And if I say, “I love it,” my brain’s confused. She goes, “Well, I was confused. Halfway through, I kind of started to like
it.” So, I was telling this woman. I said, “When we get on the plane, we’re gonna
confuse your brain. We’re gonna hold hands and we’re gonna go,
‘I love it. This is like being at a funfair.'” So, she’s like, “Okay.” And then she said to me, “Do you want me to
lie to my brain?” And I’m like, “Hell yes. I want you to lie and cheat and steal.” She’s like, “What?” “Yeah. Lie to your brain, cheat fear, and steal back
that phenomenal confidence you were born with as a kid. You didn’t even know what a fear of flying
was.” So, lie, cheat, and steal. And then, she said to me…so we got on the
plane. She’s lying, cheating, stealing. It’s a great therapist’s title, don’t you
think, title of my new book? Because I’m very unconventional. I love that all these therapists are going,
“Oh, my god. How could you call a book, ‘Lie, Cheat & Steal?’ That’s so disingenuous.” Anyway, we’ve got on the plane. I hold her hand. We pretend we’re at the funfair. We take off. And then she looks at me and went, “Oh, my
god. Why did no one tell me how easy this is?” Can it be that easy? Yes, it can. And then she said to me, “Well, why doesn’t
everyone know about this?” I’m like, “Yeah. I’m working on that.” I need a lot of help. So, you guys can really help me with this
thing. So, let me just summarize everything we’ve
done today because it is not hard work, I promise you. First of all, you’re going to make anything
that is negative unfamiliar. You’re going to make anything that is positive
really, really familiar. You’re going to change the pictures in your
head. You’re going to change the words. And you’re going to tell your brain what you
want. Never forget that magnet because it’s going
to tell you what you want. See, you can even hold lions once you get
your brain in a different state because you just become fearless. Anyway, that’s slightly irrelevant. That wasn’t even supposed to be there, but
never mind. So, tell your brain what you want. Make the familiar unfamiliar. The familiar unfamiliar, if it’s negative. Change the pictures and words in your head. And, finally, use these words all the time:
“I have chosen to do this. I have chosen to feel great about it.” And, “I’m enough.” And if you just did the last two, if you only
did the last two, that is so phenomenal. So, I’m not going to tell you that this will
change your life. Hell no. I’m gonna promise you. I’m gonna guarantee you that if you tell yourself
you’re enough, use those words, “I’ve chosen this,” tell your brain what you want using
really specific, detailed, up to the minute, relevant words, you can have whatever you

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