‘How To Be A Russian Oligarch’ With Billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov


FOLKS, IT IS DAY THREE OF RUSSIA
WEEK HERE AT THE LATE SHOW. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).>>Stephen: ONE OF THE REASONS
I WENT TO RUSSIA IS BECAUSE THEY HAVE A STRONG MAN AS A LEADER
AND WE HAVE A MAN WHO WOULD LIKE TO SEEM STRONG. AND IF HE SUCCEEDS, IF WE’RE
LIVING UNDER A STRONG MAN, RUSSIA HAS PROVEN THAT THE BEST
THING TO BE IS AN OLIGARCH, WHICH IS RUSSIAN FOR RICH GUY,
DON’T ASK WHERE HIS MONEY CAME FROM. SEE, THIS IS HOW THINGS WORK
OVER IN RUSSIA. OVER THERE THE POLITICAL SYSTEM
IS CONTROLLED BY WEALTHY ELITES WHO BUY INFLUENCE AND PULL
STRINGS OF THE GOVERNMENT. WHEREAS IN AMERICA, WE SPEAK
ENGLISH. THE OLIGARCHS, THE OLIGARCHS ARE
BUSINESS FRIENDS OF VLADIMIR PUTIN WHO WERE GIVEN SWEETHEART
DEALS TO BUY STATE OWNED RESOURCES AFTER THE COLLAPSE OF
THE SOVIET UNION. I WAS HOPING TO MEET ONE AND
ALSO TO NOT DIE. AND WE FOUND THE PERFECT GUY. MIKHAIL PROKHOROV. JIM?>>Stephen: IN 1995, MIKHAIL
PROKHOROV, A FRIEND OF VLADIMIR PUTIN, STRUCK GOLD– IN THIS
CASE NICKEL– BECAUSE HE WAS ALLOWED TO BUY A STATE OWNED
NICKEL MINING CONGLOMERATE FOR JUST PENNIES ON THE NICKEL. 12 YEARS LATER, THE HIGH FLYING
BACHELOR HIGH FLEW IN HIS PRIVATE JET TO A FRENCH SKI
RESORT TO PARTY WITH 20 RUSSIAN MODELS WHO THE FRENCH POLICE
CLAIMED WERE PROSTITUTES, SO THEY ARRESTED HIM FOR “LE HUMAN
TRAFFICKING.” HE WAS NEVER CHARGED, BUT IT WAS
SO SCANDALOUS THAT REPORTEDLY PUTIN FORCED HIM TO SELL HIS
SHARE OF THE NICKEL MINE RIIIIIGHT BEFORE THE WORLD
ECONOMY DROVE OFF A CLIFF. SO LUCKY MICKY HERE ENDS UP WITH
MORE THAN $9 BILLION. HE HAS A JET, AND A YACHT SO BIG
IT HAS ITS OWN YACHT. HE ENJOYS PARTYING IN IBIZA,
HELI-SKIING AND MAKING ROCK VIDEOS OF HIMSELF DOING JET SKI
TRICKS. HE RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012,
BUT HE LOST TO PUTIN. WHICH SOME SAY WAS THE PLAN THE
WHOLE TIME. THAT’S DOING A BRO A SOLID. HE’S PALS WITH JAY-Z BECAUSE HE
OWNS THE BROOKLYN NETS, THE WORST BASKETBALL TEAM IN THE
WORLD. PROKHOROV STANDS 6’8″, AND DID I
MENTION FRIENDS WITH PUTIN? FOR SOME REASON HE INVITED ME TO
HIS HOUSE OUTSIDE MOSCOW. AND FOR SOME REASON I WENT. MIKHAIL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
TALKING TO ME TODAY.>>MY PLEASURE. CAN I CALL YOU STEVE?>>Stephen: YES.>>IF YOU SAID NO, YOU WILL
NEVER LEAVE THE COUNTRY.>>Stephen: THAT’S HILARIOUS. OKAY. TELL ME HOW TO OLIGARCH? OKAY, GREAT. AGAIN FUNNY JOKE, IS IT A JOKE?>>NOBODY KNOWS, IN RUSSIA.>>THAT’S THE FUNNY PART. W
WHAT’S YOUR WEIRD QUIRK? WHAT’S YOUR ECCENTRIC THING
WHERE PEOPLE GO THAT’S COOL HE IS A BILLIONAIRE. DO YOU, LIKE, GROW OUT YOUR
NAILS REALLY LONG? NO? THAT’S—-
>>NO.>>Stephen: THAT SEEMS FINE. DO YOU, LIKE, SAVE YOUR BODILY
FLUIDS IN JARS?>>NO.>>Stephen: DO YOU HAVE EXOTIC
PETS? LIKE A PET RHINO?>>I WATCH RERUNS OF THE GOOD
WIFE, THAT’S ABOUT ALL.>>Stephen: WHAT’S THE BEST
THING TO OWN IF YOU’RE SUPER RICH? DO YOU HAVE A YACHT?>>JUST A PIECE OF ADVICE FOR
YOU, STEVE. DON’T BE ATTACHED TO THINGS. BE FREE.>>Stephen: OKAY. BUT YOU DO HAVE A YACHT, RIGHT?>>YES, I HAVE.>>Stephen: OKAY. DO YOU HAVE A JET?>>BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE
HECK IT IS.>>Stephen: YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE
YOUR YACHT IS?>>NO.>>Stephen: THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T
HAVE NICE THINGS. DO YOU HAVE A SPORTS TEAM?>>ONLY BROOKLYN NETS.>>Stephen: MORE LIKE THE
BROOKLYN NYETS! RIGHT?>>NO.>>Stephen: UP TOP! DON’T LEAVE ME HANGIN’! COME ON! THANKS. NOW YOU’RE SINGLE. WHAT’S A NICE, SUCCESSFUL,
HANDSOME GUY LIKE YOU DOING SINGLE? THERE’S GOT TO BE A LOT OF
PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO’D LIKE TO MARRY AN OLIGARCH.>>THAT’S TRUE.>>Stephen: OKAY. HAVE YOU JUST NOT FOUND THE
RIGHT GIRL AND 19 OF HER FRIENDS?>>I THINK IT’S NOT EASY.>>Stephen: ARE THERE
LADYGARCHS?>>I’VE NEVER MET ONE.>>Stephen: YOU’VE NEVER MET
ONE?>>NEVER IN MY LIFE.>>Stephen: HAVE YOU TRIED
TINDER?>>NOT YET.>>Stephen: LET ME SET UP YOUR
TINDER PROFILE. YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THIS, OKAY. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A
WIFE? WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO YOU?>>LOVE.>>Stephen: LOVE.>>ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE,
STEPHEN.>>Stephen: AND $9 BILLION. ALRIGHT, WE NEED TO PUT A LINE
TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF. I’M GONNA PUT DOWN, “I MADE MY
FORTUNE MINING, BUT I HAVEN’T FOUND MY GEM.” THEY’RE GONNA MELT. HOBBIES? LET’S SEE, HOBBIES. I’LL PUT
DOWN WATCHING HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE BASKETBALL, OLIGARCHING YOU’RE
GONNA BE BEATING THEM OFF WITH A STICK. WE’RE GONNA FIND YOU THE RIGHT
GIRL.>>OKAY.>>Stephen: MIKHAIL, IF IT’S
POSSIBLE I WOULD LOVE TO GET A TOUR OF YOUR HOUSE.>>MY PLEASURE.>>Stephen: SHALL WE?>>SURE WE HAVE NO SECRET ROOMS
HERE.>>Stephen: I DIDN’T ASK THAT
WHICH IS ODD. IS THIS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS? IS THIS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS? OH, THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC
HAPPENS. OKAY, WHAT IS THIS? YOU SAID THERE WERE NO SECRET
ROOMS.>>IT’S NOT SECRET.>>Stephen: IT’S NOT A SECRET?>>IT’S JUST ANOTHER DOOR.>>Stephen: WHAT IS THIS?>>IT’S KALASHNIKOV.>>Stephen: AK-47 CAN I JUST
STAND– JUST ME– A PICTURE OF ME AND AN OLIGARCH HOLDING AN
AK-47? EVENTUALLY WHEN I’M BROUGHT UP
BEFORE THE HAGUE I WANT TO LOOK NICE. OH, JAPANESE THROWING STARS.>>NO, IT’S OLIGARCH THROWING
STARS.>>Stephen: OH, IT’S OLIGARCH
THROWING STARS. EVERY EIGHTH GRADE BOY IS LIKE,
“WHEN I GROW UP, I’M GONNA HAVE A SECRET ROOM BEHIND A WALL AND
I’M GONNA HAVE JAPANESE THROWING STARS AND A AK-47 AND BIG
PICTURES OF NAKED LADIES. I’M GONNA HAVE A JET AND A BOAT
I DON’T EVEN USE.” THAT’S LIKE– THAT’S LIKE–
THAT’S– THIS IS YOUR LIFE. YOU’RE LIVING THE PERFECT LIFE
OF AN EIGHTH GRADE BOY. OKAY, MIKHAIL DO YOU KNOW WHERE
YOU PUT THE OTHER ONE? OH, THIS IS A NICE KITCHEN,
LOVELY.>>YEAH, AND I WANT YOU– TO
SHOW AND TO TASTE OLIGARCH SNACK.>>Stephen: OLIGARCH SNACK? LIKE CAVIAR?>>BOLOGNA.>>Stephen: SO YOUR SNACK IS
BALOGNA ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE NOT AN 8-YEAR-OLD BOY?>>I’M SURE.>>Stephen: THESE ARE
EXTRAORDINARY.>>IT’S FOR SAUNA.>>Stephen: THIS IS THE BIGGEST
YARMULKE I HAVE EVER SEEN. IT’S THE COOLEST HAT THERE IS,
BECAUSE WE’RE OLIGARCHS. IT’S NOT A DUMB HAT AT ALL. CAN WE TOUCH, CAN WE TOUCH THE
TIPS? NOT A LOT OF MEN ARE COMFORTABLE
DOING THAT. OH, THIS IS NICE, YOU HAVE
PHOTOGRAPHS OF SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE BOATING ACCIDENTS,
THAT’S GOOD. JUST TO REMIND YOURSELF- “BE
CAREFUL.” OKAY, LET’S THROW SOME PIES ON
AND DO THIS.>>NO, NO, ITS VERY TRADITIONAL,
THIS IS NOT FOR YOU, IT’S FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE, NOT FOR
OLIGARCHS.>>Stephen: ARE YOU AFRAID I
WILL OUT-BENCH YOU?>>NO, NO, FOR YOU I HAVE
SPECIAL EQUIPMENT NOT HERE, ANOTHER PLACE.>>Stephen: I AGREED TO GO SEE
THIS “SPECIAL EQUIPMENT,” BUT FIRST I DITCHED MY SUIT FOR A
NEW RELAXED OLIGARCH LOOK. WE HEADED OFF TO A PRIVATE
SCHOOL MIKHAIL BUILT SO HE COULD PRACTICE AN ANCIENT, OBSCURE BUT
DEADLY, TIBETAN MARTIAL ART CALLED “TESCAO.” SO I’M NOT GOING TO HAVE TO KILL
ANYBODY?>>NO.>>Stephen: GOOD. AND YOU WOULD TELL ME IF I DID
RIGHT BECAUSE WE’RE FRIENDS?>>SURE.>>Stephen: OKAY. BECAUSE I’M NOT SAYING THAT I
WOULDN’T I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO. I’M NEW TO THIS. TURNS OUT THIS “TESCAO” PLACE IS
THE WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE TREE FORT. DESIGNED TO THE HIGHEST TESCAO
SPECIFICATIONS. FILLED WITH THINGS LIKE THIS,
THAT DO SOMETHING– ONE ASSUMES. THIS IS THE COOLEST GYMBOREE
I’VE EVER BEEN TO, WHAT TIME IS YOUR MOM PICKING YOU UP?>>TO BE AN OLIGARCH YOU NEED TO
HAVE BALANCE AND TO FOR THE BALANCE, I MEAN OLIGARCH BALANCE
YOU NEED BALLS.>>Stephen: THOSE I HAVE, MY
FRIEND. YOU ARE JUST MAKING THIS UP
RIGHT? THIS IS COOL, IT LOOKS LIKE DR.
SEUSS’ SEX DUNGEON. YOU’LL GET IT. I NOTICED THE FLOOR IN THIS
TESCAO TRAINING ROOM IS NOT EVEN, WHY IS THAT?>>YOU ARE OLIGARCH NOW YOU ARE
COMFORTABLE IN ANY SITUATION.>>Stephen: OH, I SEE. I GOT TO RELAX AND JUST SAY THIS
IS HOW IT IS, AND IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME THAT IT LOOKS LIKE THE
ARCHITECT WAS SMOKING WEED. COME ON YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME
SOMETHING.>>GREAT.>>Stephen: TESCAO! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAVE YOU EVER TRAINED IN THE FULL COLBERT? WHAT YOU DO IS YOU ON YOUR BACK
AND RELAX YOUR ARMS AND LEGS AND SEE HOW LONG YOU CAN HOLD IT. BUT YOU HAVE TO BREATHE, THOUGH. YOU HAVE GET BREATHING I COULD
GO FOR SOME OF THAT BOLOGNA. I THOUGHT I’D SEEN EVERYTHING. BUT THEN THE GIANT RUSSIAN
OLIGARCH ORDERED ME UNDERGROUND. OKAY, AND WHAT IS DOWN THERE
BEFORE I GO DOWN THERE?>>YOU ARE OLIGARCH YOU ARE NOT
AFRAID OF ANYTHING.>>Stephen: OKAY, WHATEVER I AM
GOING DOWN. THIS IS WHERE THE CHUCK E. CHEESE TURNED INTO THE DANGER
ZONE. WELCOME TO THE RED ROOM OF PAIN.>>STEVE, THIS IS LETHAL STAR. YOU CAN HIT THIS IN SOMEONE AND
TRY AND HIT THEM IN THE NECK. KEEP IT. I SHOW YOU.>>Stephen: THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT
I WAS GOING FOR.>>Stephen: ALRIGHT HERE IS THE
SCENARIO, SOMEBODY IS COMING UP BEHIND ME AND TRYING TO TAKE MY
OLIGARCHY AWAY, BUT THEY DON’T KNOW THAT I AM TRAINED IN
TESCAO. OKAY, I AM THEIR WORST NIGHTMARE
RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I HAVE MY STARS, WATCH OUT.>>EXCELLENT.>>Stephen: TESCAO! I WANT SOMETHING BIGGER AND
SHARPER. OH, YEAH.>>WHAT’S THAT?>>Stephen: WHAT’S THE ADVICE?>>JUST THROW.>>Stephen: JUST THROW IT, OKAY. LEFT FOOT FORWARD, RIGHT FOOT
FORWARD.>>ANY PLACE.>>Stephen: ANY PLACE. ALRIGHT THERE IS NO TRAINING AT
ALL?>>BE NATURAL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: HOW MANY PEOPLE DO TESCAO IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?>>MAXIMUM MAYBE 25.>>Stephen: 25. SO I AM IN THE TOP 25
PRACTITIONERS OF TESCAO IN THE WORLD?>>YOU ARE IN THE TOP THREE FOR
SURE.>>Stephen: TESCAO! HOW OFTEN DO YOU DO THIS?>>EVERYDAY.>>Stephen: THIS IS YOUR
BILLIONAIRE THING! REMEMBER SAID IS THERE ONE CRAZY
THAT YOU DO THAT NO BODY ELSE DOES, THAT SEEMS NORMAL BECAUSE
YOU ARE A BILLIONAIRE. THIS IS IT! YOU HAVE A CLUB HOUSE PAINTED IN
DR. SEUSS COLORS IT HAS A DUNGEON IN IT WHERE YOU THROW
AXES AT THE WALL. YOU ARE AN HONEST TO GOD
OLIGARCH!>>ARE YOU SURE?>>Stephen: I AM POSITIVE. I WANT IN.>>NOW YOU ARE ON BOARD.>>Stephen: TOTALLY ON BOARD.>>TOTALLY ON BOARD.>>Stephen: THANK YOU. I NEED SOME BOLOGNA. SOME BALANCE OWNEE AM THANK YOU,
MIKHAIL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHOWING ME HOW TO BE AN OLIGARCH
AND FOR THE COOL HAT.

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