Patton Oswalt – Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time – Supermarket Depression


THE LAST TIME IT GOT ME
WAS PRETTY CLEVER. I’LL GIVE IT CREDIT. IT WAS A TUESDAY,
LIKE 11:00 IN THE MORNING. AND I WENT TO A GROCERY STORE
NEAR MY HOUSE. SO, JUST GET THAT VISUAL
IN YOUR HEAD. IT’S A GROCERY STORE,
11:00 A.M. ON A WEEKDAY — LIKE SIX OTHER PEOPLE IN IT. IT’S BASICALLY EMPTY. I JUST WENT IN THERE, LIKE, “I’LL WALK AROUND
AND SEE IF I NEED ANYTHING.” WHICH, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
IS A VERY DEBAUCHED, ROMAN-EMPEROR WAY
TO GO SHOPPING, WHERE YOU’RE LIKE,
“OH, I’LL JUST WALK UP. “LINE ALL OF YOUR GOODS
ON PARALLEL SHELVES. “I SHALL WALK BY AND REVIEW THEM “AND SEE IF ANYTHING
CATCHES MY FANCY. [ LAUGHTER ] “WORK HARDER FOR MY ATTENTION,
HARD PRETZELS, IF YOU WANT TO RIDE
IN MY CHARIOT.” [ LAUGHTER ] I END UP
IN THE FROZEN-FOOD AISLE, AND I’M LOOKING AT A SHELF
OF LEAN CUISINES. SO, GET THAT VISUAL
IN YOUR HEAD. IT’S A WALL OF — IT’S LIKE THE WHITE BOX
WITH A LITTLE ORANGE CORNER. WELL, IT’S THE ORANGE CORNER IF YOU’RE GETTING
THE CAFE CLASSICS, AND IT’S THE GREEN CORNER IF
YOU’RE BUYING THE SPA FAVORITES. THERE’S A LEAN CUISINE
TO FIT EVERY LIFESTYLE. AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE? IT’S A PRETTY FANTASTIC PRODUCT,
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT. I’M GETTING $25,000
FOR THIS SETUP, SO IF YOU COULD
JUST BEAR WITH ME. ALL RIGHT, SO… AGAIN, I DON’T KNOW
IF I WANT TO — I’M JUST LOOKING AT THEM. “OH, THAI NOODLES
IN PEANUT SAUCE. OKAY. PASTA PRIMAVERA. MEH.” AND AS I’M LOOKING
AT ALL OF THEM, TOTO’S “AFRICA” STARTED PLAYING
ON THE AMBIENT MUSIC. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT — IT WAS THE COMBINATION
OF 11:00 A.M. ON A TUESDAY, LEAN CUISINES, TOTO’S “AFRICA.” I HAVE NEVER FELT
MORE PEACEFULLY, EFFORTLESSLY,
JOYOUSLY SUICIDAL IN — IT WASN’T EVEN DESPAIR OR — IF I’D HAD A GUN RIGHT HERE, I WOULD’VE JUST BROUGHT IT UP,
ONE SMOOTH MOVEMENT. JUST, LIKE, GOING, “OH,
THEY HAVE FRENCH-CRUST PIZZA. ♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO PFFFVVV!

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