The Addams Family Meet the VIP’s (Full Episode) | MGM
♪ The Addams family ♪(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) How exciting.
Look at them go! This is going to be
the greatest train wreck
in railroad history. I’m gonna switch them onto
the same track. Watch! Wonderful. Darling, you have
such a way with trains. I suppose so. Weren’t you happy with it? I thought it was
your finest wreck. Perhaps it was.
But I’ve just realized, if you wreck one train,
you wreck them all. Sometimes I almost wish
they’d miss each other. Gomez,
what a shocking thought. Maybe we’ve just
gotten into a rut. We do seem to be
doing the same things
over and over again. Our morning stroll
through the swamp. Fencing across
the lunch table. (GROANING) Darling, why don’t you
come and have a nice
hot cup of henbane? It’ll soothe your nerves. (BOX CREAKING) Thank you, Thing. Darling. Thank you. Darling, maybe we should
take a trip somewhere. Tombstone or…
Or Death Valley. Some fun place. Perhaps. Ah, good morning, darling. Would you like a bite?
Chew your food. (GULPING) No, no. Cleopatra,
you’ll spoil your lunch. Darling, maybe we should
have some people in. That nice Mr. Harris. He always seemed to
enjoy himself here. That would be pleasant,
but I’m afraid Mr. Harris won’t have the time
for us any longer. Did you see
the paper this morning? No, darling, I haven’t
read the paper yet. He has a new job
working for the government. “Foreign diplomats
visiting our city. “Roger L. Harris to
conduct tour for VIPs.” There’s a picture. They certainly seem
to be enjoying the tour. Well, I–I hope
you’ll enjoy the places we’re going to see today,
gentlemen. We will not enjoy. Frankly, Washington is
quite upset about your
lack of enthusiasm so far. So? They seem to blame me for it. If I fail to give you
a good impression
of our country, well… Well, it’ll mean
the axe for me. Miri Haan, take note. Note I take. If guide fails assignment,
will chop off head. Naturally. No, I don’t mean
they’ll chop my head off. I mean they’ll fire me. And then set fire to him. Destroy evidence. Gentlemen, look, you,
you take our language
too literally. For two days now
your Washington masters
have shown us phony tour. They only show us
what they want us to see. You do not show us
the real America. The downtrodden masses slaving
under bureaucratic whip. We want to see the people.
The real peoples! Peoples. All right.
All right, anything you say. You can see anybody
you want to. Good. We choose
honest way. By chance. We stick pin into phone book.
Wherever pin strikes we go. All right with me. Miri Haan, phone book. I’ll get a pin. (BOTH GRUNTING IN DISSENT) We use our own pin. Always. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Eeny, meeny, miney, boom! (GASPS) What’s the matter, Tish?
Something wrong? Oh, that’s strange.
I felt just as though
I’d been stuck with a pin. The Addams.
Oh no, no, no, they’re, no… They’re off limits. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Excuse me, sir.
Please don’t go in there. A-ha! Guide begs us not to go in.
Why? Why? Because we have found
real American family,
not phony bureaucratic setup. That’s not so. And government will
chop off his head for this. Poor fellow. Come. We go see
some real Americans. Look, fellows, I know
where there’s a dandy
little bar downtown with beautiful dancing girls.
You’ll have a ball there. A-ha! Miri, take note.
Guide tries to bribe us
but we refuse. We are strong men. We go later. Now we go see
typical American family. Very interesting. I take note. Mrs. Addams, you have
a very interesting house here. I have seen nothing
like it before in America. Well, it’s nothing
out of the ordinary,
but we like it. MORTICIA: And I’m so glad
you gentlemen could come. You’ve brightened
our day immensely. Harris,
it was very nice of you
to bring them here. Well, it wasn’t my idea… He was very eager
for us to meet average American family,
is not so, Mr. Harris? I keep telling you!
The Addams are not
an average family at all. How sweet. Don’t be turning
our heads with flattery. I do wish I’d known
you were coming. I could’ve planned
some sort of amusement. Oh, no, please.
We wish to observe
everyday routine. Agreed? MORTICIA: Whatever you wish. Psst. Our house is your house,
gentlemen. Mr. Haan,
may I offer you a cigar? Here, have one. I will save for later. Let’s join the conversation. Psst. Mr. Haan, sit down. Uh, Miri Haan, you’re smoking. Oh, no, I save for later. Mr. Haan, I’m terribly sorry. I should’ve warned you
it was a live cigar. I begged you not to come here
in the first place. Well, gentlemen,
we’d better be running along. I’m, I’m sure
you’ve seen enough.
And I think… We send this back
home to laboratory. (GROWLING) I had no idea it was so late. If you gentlemen
will excuse me, it’s time to go
feed my plants. Yes, they get pretty cranky
when they’re hungry. Plants? Plants get hungry? Cranky? Well, after all,
they’re only human. I’m quite proud
of Mrs. Addams’ hothouse. She’s raised these plants
from tiny weeds. Darling, would you? (SIZZLING) Gardening is all a matter
of proper feeding. And these plants
just love meat. Meat? Especially
when it’s medium rare. Yes,
they’re really meat eaters.
I’ve seen them. Especially that one.
It’s a regular little glutton. Oh no, no, no.
Cleopatra, really. Mr. Harris was
only joking, darling. She’s really
a sweet little thing. She’s terribly young. Not very S-M-A-R-T. But she’s learning. Open up, sweetheart. (SLURPING) Have some more. There. Yes. (GULPING) This is plant, not animal? And it is learning? (WHISPERING)
She’s quite slow, actually. She’s three years old
and she can’t even
feed herself yet. Open up, sweetheart. Excuse me. (SLURPING) This is big thing
we have discovered. Big. Very big. They’ve learnt
to breed plants that have
the intelligence of humans. And a mere woman
has done this.
An American woman. Perhaps, uh, they have
gone further than this, huh? And Harris thought
he could hide this from us. It’s all right.
We will learn the truth. Take notes, Miri Haan.
Plenty notes. Plenty notes. Plenty notes. (ALARM SOUNDING) Oh, the mail’s in. (BOX CREAKING) Thank you, Thing. (BOX CREAKING) What is that? Just your imagination. Don’t let him pull your leg.
Thing is as real as any of us. Thing, come up
and meet our guests. (BONE CRUNCHING) Thing. Now, now. Dear Thing,
he doesn’t know
his own strength. Anything exciting
in the mail, dear? Oh yes, lots of bills. Wonderful.
Will you excuse us, please? Is it real? Muscle and bone,
with a grip like iron. They have made this. A hand,
a single hand by itself. It likes privacy. This is fantastic.
Take notes, Miri Haan. Take notes. American family
has taken first step
towards building robots. First a plant
that moves and thinks and then a hand
of flesh and blood. This is big. Very big. Bigger than big. I write everything down.
Everything. (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) (EXPLOSION) Beautiful wreck, isn’t it? Beautiful wreck? Beautiful wreck? Oh, hello, I didn’t know
you were having company. Oh, this is our Uncle Fester. This is Mr. Klarpe
and Mr. Haan. Of course,
you know Mr. Harris. Howdy. I guess this’ll have to wait. What’ll wait, old boy? Well, I was feeling
a little run down and I just wanted to
get myself recharged. Recharged? Recharged? It’s just an expression. This is an expression, too? Oh, no, this is
a great little pepper-upper. Would you like
to see it work? Oh, Uncle Fester,
I’m sure these gentlemen
wouldn’t be interested. No. We’d be very interested. FESTER: Good. Well, you’ll have to
crank it, Gomez. He’s such an exhibitionist. FESTER: Oh, no.
I really am run down. It’s just a simple
to build up his energy. Yes, well, you see,
I, I put this little wire
in my ear. This little generator
does the rest. Go ahead, Gomez. (BEEPING) He really gets
a charge out of this. Write, write. You mean he is
full of electricity? Believe me, believe me,
they’re just playing
a little joke on you. Joke, huh? Touch. (BUZZING) (SCREAMING) That’s a funny joke. Write! Write! I’m writing,
I’m writing right now. Stop! Stop! Oh, stop it. I’m sorry, Harris,
but he did warn you. It’ll tingle for a while
but then it’ll wear off. I feel so good now,
I’m gonna go out
and chase automobiles. Wonderful hobby. Stay away from water,
Uncle Fester. The last time
he was recharged
he took a shower and blew out
every fuse in the house. Americans,
in order to get energy… Energy. …put electricity in ear. Ear. Like vitamins in stomach… Stomach. …which we invented. Which we invented. That reminds me, would you gentlemen
care to join us in a snack? Oh, no, no, really. We stay. Uh, we stay. Excellent.
I’ll ring for Lurch. This Lurch,
is he servant? Yes, he’s our butler. Finally, we are to meet
downtrodden member of the American slave class. Poor, weak victim
of exploitation. (GONG RESOUNDING) It is strong bell. You rang? Lunch, Lurch. And, oh, yes, Lurch,
a cigar, please. Thank you, Lurch. Uh, would you gentlemen
care for a cigar? Oh, no, no, no. No, no, thank you. Well, if you’ll excuse me,
I’ll get Mrs. Addams. Thank you, Lurch. (GROANING) That is poor,
weak slave? Miri Haan, take note. Take note. (CLEARS THROAT)
Servant of typical
American family, robot. Robot. Wait a minute,
that’s not true. Is true. Third stage. Third stage?
What are you talking about? Simple. First stage plant,
second stage hand, final product human robot. Flood labor market. Flood labor market. This is ridiculous.
Lurch is no robot. Then what is he? Well, he’s a… (BOTH MOCKING) I don’t know exactly,
but, but you’ll never find
another one like it. How could be?
Is typical American family. Typical! I keep telling you. It’s the only
one of its kind. Please, let’s get out of here. Ah, still trying to
hide from us truth. You still trying to pull
bourgeois wool over our eyes. (EXCLAIMING) (SLURPING) I do hope you gentlemen
enjoyed our modest table. Was very good. Most thoughtful of you
to serve caviar in our honor. Caviar? The black fish eggs on toast.
Very good. Oh, you mean eye of tadpole? Eye of tadpole? Blue-eyed tadpole
is even tastier than
black-eyed tadpole but it’s off-season
for blue-eyed tadpole. Beef is good, too.
Not as good as in our country,
but is good. Mr. Haan, that wasn’t beef. That’s breast of alligator. Alligator? How about that henbane sauce?
Specialty of the house. Shall we repair
to the living-room,
gentlemen? You have been
marvelous hostess. Thank you. Very nice. Very nice. No sense in wasting this. Tristan and Isolde
love alligator. Told you.
Care to make a wish? Mother, I finished my… Oh. Company. Gentlemen,
this is our son, Pugsley. Now, young man,
what brought you racing
in here so unceremoniously? I’ve finished
my disintegrator gun. Well, that’s nice, dear. Run outside and play. Would you like to
see it work, sir? I’m sure these gentlemen
have no time to… No, no, no. Let’s not disappoint
the little fellow. So you build
disintegrator gun, eh? That’s right. You mean you point
disintegrator at something, pull trigger,
and that something disappear? That’s right, sir. Watch. (GUN PULSING) (GIBBERING) You mean you,
you just point it… (GUN PULSING) (SIGHS IN RELIEF) I think you’d better play
with this outside, Pugsley. It’s rather hard
on the bric-a-brac. Yes, Father. Nice to have met you, sir. Oh, poor Mr. Harris.
Little things upset him so. Very high-strung.
I’ll have Lurch
take care of him. (GONG RESOUNDING) You rang? Yes. Lurch,
would you take Mr. Harris
to the guest room? He needs a bit of rest. Oh, oh, please,
I–I don’t need anything, I… Come. Very hospitable. Never mind that. (LAUGHS) The little fellow,
uh, he made that gun himself? He just can’t
keep out of mischief. Remember the anti-gravity
machine he made, and what happened
when he turned it
on the postman? Oh, yes, that was amusing. The mailman just went
floating off up in the air. He really hated to come down. He said the floating
was so much easier
on his feet. He needs to rest. Oh, well, be my guest. I just had
the whole thing sharpened. Oh, no, no. Or maybe you’d prefer
the iron maiden? These spikes will help you
keep nice and still.
It’s very restful. I don’t need any rest,
I’m fine. Please just put me down. All right.
That’ll be all, Lurch. (GROANING) You know, Mr. Harris,
there is an art in relaxing. Well, I’ll never
master it in this menagerie. I almost got wiped out
by a ray gun. (LAUGHING) That Pugsley. Such a showoff. That’s how we lost
Cousin Creep. There he was,
giggling and laughing and suddenly there he wasn’t,
still giggling and laughing. It was kind of eerie. But that was old Creepy. He could always take a joke. Well… The impression those two men
are getting in this house, it could disrupt
international relations. I did think they were
getting a little bored. What if I was to go in
and do some parlor trick? I can saw a woman in half. Oh no, no, no. Oh, yes. It goes… (IMITATES SAWING) The only trouble I have is
getting her together again. Very strange man. (SIGHS) That is restful. I’m very worried. This is not what we expected. How can you expect
what is so unexpected? We thought
were fools. Now we learn
they are geniuses. MIRI: Dangerous geniuses. Electricity
and eerie robots. Ray guns built by
little boys already. I will make full report. From now on, we must learn
to respect all Americans. I-I-Is not safe to,
to offend these people.
Is not safe. Rather be friend
than meet end. Well, gentlemen,
have you found out
all you want to know about us typical Americans? We have. Though you try hard to
keep us from learning truth. I was just doing my duty. Now we say goodbye
to our hosts. Oh, yes, let’s get moving. (SHUSHING) I just made $100,000. Really? How nice. Oops, just lost it again.C’est la guerre.Tish, when you speak French
you drive me wild. Excuse me, gentlemen. Gomez, darling,
control yourself. I think perhaps
we better leave. Very thoughtful. We wish to thank you
for a most enlightening day. You’ve brightened
our day, too. We were about to settle down
to our everyday routine. No notes. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. You know, darling,
I’ve been thinking. The simple life
is really the best. You’re right. Uncle Fester,
are you sure this’ll help you
get rid of your headache? Keep going. (MOANING) That’s it. Good. Oh, darling,
you look so serene and happy
when you’re throwing knives. Family trait. (RINGING) Thank you, Thing. Hello, this is
Mrs. Addams speaking. Why, hello, Mr. Harris. Really? Well,
how nice of you to call. Goodbye. Gomez, that was that
nice Mr. Harris. He says our guests have
cut their trip short and have gone home
to make a full report. Well, that’s too bad. Oh, no. Mr. Harris says
he’s glad they’re gone. He said he overheard them
talking about taking Lurch with them
for scientific purposes. Scientific purposes. The things people will do
to get a good servant. Most ungracious. Let’s not give them
another thought. Back to our own