The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals
(Lightning and thunder) (Lightning and thunder) The greatest stories ever told . . . Have a hero who must be bold. They learn a sense of right and wrong And better learn this sense through song! Musicals tell the impossible. (The impossible) They evoke the philosophical, yeah. So tonight we’re gonna chronicle a story so astronomical . . . The last remaining story to tell! The guy who didn’t like musicals! Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em! I mean, what the fuck?!? Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em! He’s the guy who didn’t like musicals! Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em! Yeah, what the fuck?!? Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em! In the tiny town of Hatchetfield, Lived an awful grinch named Paul. He spends his days surfing the web, And not singing and dancing with us all. Should we kill him? Should we kill him? He pines after a cute lil’ barista. Isn’t that worth a show-stopping fiesta, yeah? But for some damn reason
He won’t join our singing season! What an ass! What a bitch! What a cuck! The guy who didn’t like musicals! Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em! I mean, what the fuck?!? Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em! He’s the guy who didn’t like musicals! – Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em!
– Na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na! Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em! It’s the end of the world, Paul, (end of the world)
If you don’t sing . . . (if you don’t sing) This is the bridge, Paul, (this is the bridge) Where we globalize everything. And the words will come to you. We swear we will teach you What it means to love. What it means to obey, Paul! The apotheosis is upon us. Yey! Did you hear the word? What’s the word? He’s a comin’! Who’s a comin’? Paul’s a comin’! Paul’s a comin’? The star of the show! Now for his headlining entrance… Time to swoon at his leading man essence . . . His name is in the title . . . He’s destined to go viral Here he is, his name is Paul . . . ENTER NOW!!! Where the fuck is he? I have no fucking clue. The guy just doesn’t like musicals! Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em! Didn’t like, did not like, like-a-like-‘em! He’s the guy who didn’t like musicals! Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em! Didn’t like, did not like, like-a-like-‘em! And he definitely won’t like this! Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em! Didn’t like, did not like, like-a-like-‘em! He’s the guy who didn’t like musicals! Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em! (You gotta believe in something, Paul. What do you believe in, stupid Paul?) Didn’t like, did not like, like-a-like-‘em! (You gotta believe in something) Why, oh why? Paul, you piece of Shit! Hey, Paul. Yeah? I was trying to print something . . . I think I might have sent it to your printer. Yep. Uh, just remember . . . You want to print from the HP Laserjet, not the HP Inkjet. Right. Sorry Paul. It’s fine. Hey, Paul, can I get those reports on my desk by the end of the day? Yes, Mr. Davidson. Great. Hi, Paul. Hey, Melissa. Uh, were you gonna sign up for the company softball league? No. Oh Well, it might be fun Yeah, I don’t want to though. Okay . . . well, Mr. Davidson wants those reports on his desk by the end of the day Will do! *phone rings* C.C.R.P. Technical, this is Charlotte. How can I help…? Oh, hi Sam! How are things down at the precinct? Well, I’m sorry to hear that. Well, my day’s been… Uh-huh… Oh… How late? But- but- but sweetheart, it’s . . . Sweetheart, it- it’s cuddle night . . . Well, what do you mean “so what?” The counselor says we should do it at least once a month! Yes, but… Yes, but honey we skipped last month. Well, don’t you think I’m tired, too? All right, maybe tomorrow night then, huh? No, no, you’re right. We should stick to the schedule. Next month it is! All right. Well, you take care, Sam. And, Sam, be careful because I love you… Sam? That was Sam . . . He’s doin’ just fine . . . Counseling’s working out real swell . . . Oh! Charlotte, I’m sorry. You can’t smoke in here.. Huh? Oh! I didn’t even realize . . . It’s ok. Well, I’m gonna go get some coffee from Beanie’s. Anyone wanna come? Bill? I can’t. I gotta keep refreshing this webpage . . . See, I got Alice for one more night before she goes home to Clivesdale. Her mother, just to make me look small, took her allllllllll the way to New York to see Hamilton, Ugh. And she loved it! So to prove to my ex-wife that two can play that game, I’m on HotTix right now! And the moment more become available, I’m getting two tickets for tonight. Because guess what, Paul. It’s finally here! At the old Starlight Theater in downtown Hatchetfield… The touring production of Mamma Mia! Wow, she’ll like that just as much as Hamilton. It’s a musical! Hey, you want to tag along? Alice would get a kick out of it. Remember when you used to babysit her? Drive her to school? Yeah . . . She thinks you’re cool. Maybe you could talk me up a bit? Let him know her old dad’s pretty cool too! Bill . . . No. Sorry. You got other plans? Uh- no. So you . . . you’d rather do nothing than come with us to see Mamma Mia? Bill, I’d rather do anything than go see Mamma Mia. The idea of sitting there, trapped in a musical . . . That is my own personal hell. I’m trying to reconnect with my teenage kid and you’re just gonna leave me hanging? Yeah. Sorry. But, hey! I’ll grab you something from Beanie’s! My treat. What do you want? I just want my daughter back. How about an iced caramel frappe! Nothing better! Hey, you going to Beanie’s? Yeah. You didn’t invite me. Sorry, Ted. Do you want to come? No, no, no, no, no . . . I don’t wanna ‘show you up’ Yeah? (clicks tongue) What do you mean? Paul, come on. I know why you walk that extra block, instead of just going to Starbucks across the street. I don’t want to give my money to some corporate chain… Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh? You sure it doesn’t have anything to do with that cute lil ba-rista over there, huh? That’s not the reason . . . Yeah, the ‘Latte Hottay?!’ As she’s known throughout the land. Right? It’s like… (in Borat voice) “My wife!” Haha. Right? -It’s like Borat, dude…
-Alright. Bye, Ted. Hey! Get me a chai iced tea, eh!? Eh?!? Ehhhhh… (Bell chimes) Hi, can I help you? Yeah yeah yeah, Can I get a grande caramel frappe in a venti cup of ten pumps of hazelnut, three shots of espresso, no caramel drizzle, with whip on top? Sure, that’ll be $5.50. Jesus, fine. Hey! Yeah? I just tipped you. Oh, well, thank you. Aren’t you supposed to sing? The sign says tip for a song. Yeah, um, that’s like a new thing . . . The owner went to Cold Stone Creamery over the weekend and brought back the whole singing thing, But, you know, there’s a line and people are working. I don’t want to disturb anyone. Haha, I don’t care. I just tipped you, come on. Okay. Well, did you do that to be nice or did you do it to be an asshole? Fine, I’ll take it back then. Oh no! What am I gonna do without that DOLLAR I have to split it with five other people? You know what? I’m never coming back here again. That sign’s bullshit. Oh my god, so mean! Emma, what’s the deal over here? That guy just flipped out on me for practically no reason. She wouldn’t sing for him. And I still haven’t gotten my hot chocolate. Oh, sorry, I’ll get right on that. I have very low blood sugar. I’m so sorry, sir. We’ll get you a voucher. Jesus, Emma, come on. I already warned you twice! It’s embarrassing, Nora! I mean, god, maybe Zoey’s okay with the whole singing thing because she majored in theater. I think it’s a really fun idea, Nora. Why aren’t you working? Oh, I’m on vocal rest. What? (Louder) I’m on vocal re- Godammit, Emma. Now, I need to make a tea with honey, okay. Oh my god . . . Look, can’t Zoey just do the singing? I don’t like it. Huh, okay. So then you must not like having a job here then, hm? You know what? Just don’t even bother showing up for your next shift. What? Are you serious? Wait, wait, wait wait! Wait… I will do the singing. Yeah, you will. Now, move your ass. You got a line. Hi, can I help you? Uh, yeah, I got an easy one for you. Just a cup of black coffee. Jesus! Really? (Singing) I’ve been brewing up your coffee… Oh no, no, no. No, no, no. Uh, I’m sorry. No, I don’t need you to sing I just tipped because you know… people should tip. Well, thank you. I mean because if I have to sing for it, it’s not really a tip, right? It’s just like I have another shitty paying job on top of my already shitty paying job! ‘Cause I mean, most of my tips are less than a buck? So after the split, I’m making, like, not even 25 cents a song. That is less than a fucking jukebox! Only a jukebox doesn’t also have to make coffee for these assholes. Uh, not that you’re an asshole. Well, maybe you are. What’d you tip? Five bucks! You meant this just for me, right? Like I don’t have to split this with anyone . . . Oh, no, that’s for you. I don’t give a shit about them. That’s very sweet. God, I’m just so sick of Nora and Zoey Who is technically my manager, even though she is ten years younger than me. Ugh. She hired all of her little theater friends and they will not (singing) shut the fuck up About some shitty production of Godspell they did last summer. Oh, that was the one at the rec center, right? I think I had to see that. I did not like it. Yeah! It sucked, right? Yeah. Yeah, they shouldn’t call it “Godspell.” More like “god-awful.” Yeah. Or, like, “God-damn-that-was-bad.” Yeah! Hahaha… I don’t like musicals. Watching people sing and dance makes me very uncomfortable. Well then why did you come to the singing coffee shop? You know, there’s a Starbucks across the street. Oh, uh . . . Well, you know, some things are worth it. Like, Damn good coffee. I see you in here all the time, don’t I? What’s your name? Paul. Hi Paul. I’m Emma. Excuse me. I have been waiting a very long while… Sorry, sorry! Okay, uh… Bye, Emma! (Bell Chimes) Emma… Oh shoot! I forgot Bill’s caramel frappe. Eh, fuck Bill. Hi, can I talk to you about saving the planet? No. Um, do you have a few minutes to talk about saving the planet? Hello! Hey. Hi! Are you interested in saving the planet? Uh, yes I am, but I just got off work… Well you know, it’ll just take a few minutes. It’s for the planet, so… Yeah, but I… I just want to tell you about how you can contribute to Greenpeace’s efforts all around the globe. Oh! Greenpeace? Yeah! You know what? I- I’m actually already signed up with you guys. I already give! Oh, well, that’s really generous of you. Do you know about our new campaign to save the sea turtles? Yeah. Yeah. I’ve been getting the emails. Been reading all about it. Really? Uh the campaign that doesn’t exist? The one that I just made up? You don’t give to Greenpeace, do you? You know that money you’re raising? You know, how much of it actually goes to the turtles? Well, none of it. I just made that up. That’s right none. It goes to line the pockets of some corporate bigwigs. I give my money directly to the people who need it. Oh, spare change for the homeless? Sorry. I don’t have anything. Wow, you’re a real humanitarian. And you’ve come on a little strong with that whole “save the planet” bit. As if I’m gonna do that single-handedly… Well, you know what… (Lighting & Thunder) What is . . . that? (thunder rumbling) Oh, Heavens to Betsy . . . There’s some kind of terrible storm out there. I hope Sam’s alright . . . Fuck Sam. Come back to bed. All right? Alright Ted, but, This has to be the last time. Sure, Charlotte! Just like last time was the last time! If you don’t like what we’re doing here There’s the door! (thunder rumble) Oh God, cherry on top of an already perfect day! Zoey, you need a ride? In your shitty car? Yeah, I’d rather not crash and die. It’s fine, thank you. Great. Excuse me, ma’am, but I got a warrant to inspect the junk in your trunk. Oh, Sam you’re such an asshole, okay… But that uniform is so fucking sexy. Hey, I have a little present for ya’. These two tickets to Mama Mia? No way! You got ’em!? I never miss a musical at the Starlight. And if anyone thinks that makes me less of a man, they can talk to my fucking gun! (Thunder rumble) Holy hell, it’s raining cats and dogs! Are you sure you don’t want me to pick you up? Okay. Yes. I got a ticket for Deb and after the show, we’re gonna go to your favorite restaurant! Red Lobster! Yeah, I know Deb’s a vegetarian. They got fish. Vegan? Uh… It’s crabfest! Alice, you’re killing me! (Thunder rumbling) Alright, Dad, well we’ll meet you at the theater, ok? Take a hit, Alice! I don’t think I oughta. Look, she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to, okay? Come on, Deb! That’s not how it works! You’re either in the Smoke Club or you’re out! Okay, well then maybe we’re out. Come on, Alice. Those guys are assholes anyway… (Thunder rumble) Woah, what’s that coming through the clouds? (Lightning) Good God! Alexa, it’s happening! Come on, you bastard! You don’t think I’m ready for you? I’ve been waiting in the wings. The stage is set. It’s showtime! (Thunder rumbles) (Lightning flashes. CRASH!!!) (News jingle) This is the Morning Hatchetfield News with Dan and Donna! They said he wouldn’t make it. That he had fallen from too great a height, but this little guy beat the odds and Captured our hearts. Now weighing in at almost ten ounces, Peanuts the Hatchetfield Pocket Squirrel has outgrown his adopted father’s pocket. Peanuts! Luckily, proud Papa Ed has been squirreling away on his GoFundMe page to build Peanuts his very own, Get this Dan, squirrel house! Huh, that’s amazing! And something else has fallen to the ground here in Hatchetfield, this time from outer space! The meteor came- (TV switches off) (Music begins) Sorry! That was interesting. Seems like a lot. Hey, did you see… Oh, you again. Look, I’m not a bad guy, okay? I’ve given to charities in the past… (Singing) Hey, yeah! Just a typical day (Speaking) what? Got me feelin’ in a beautiful way! No rhyme or reason We could sing a duet! (Speaking) Ow. Dance a style or two. Or I’ll make you a bet, Just a smile will do! Sometimes I just wanna shout, Atop of roofs and mountain tops, That all the world is paved in gold! (Speaking) Oh, is he with Greenpeace too or…? Yesterday was retroactive, Got myself a new perspective. I strut it up and down the road! So I threw all my worries, and my old skin away, doing what I want to, on this la dee dah dah day! (La dee dah dah day) La dee dah dah la dee dah dah La dee dah dah day! (La dee dah dah day!) La dee dah dah la dee dah dah La dee dah dah day! La dee dah dah day! (Speaking) What the fuck was that? (Speaking) Spare change for the homeless? (Speaking) Sorry man, I don’t have anything. (Speaking) Hey man, that’s alright . . . Cause I may not have a home, But that’s way okay! Cuz I prefer to roam, The streets all day! The world is my house! The dogs are my food. Oh look, a new blouse! and a new trash-tattoo! I used to want to kill them all, While high on bathsalt-zombie-drugs, while snacking on a dead man’s face! (Speaking) What? But that just feels like yesterday! A song takes all the pain away. My politics and house-views changed. Dancing on the concrete used to hurt a lot, but now I got new feet! And this jam’s just way too hot! La dee dah dah day! La dee dah dah la dee dah dah La dee dah dah day! La dee dah dah day! La dee dah dah la dee dah dah La dee dah dah day! La dee dah dah day! (Speaking) Okay, okay thank you! (Speaking) Hey, thank you. God bless you, man! (Speaking) Alright, um, uh? (Speaking) What’s happening? I’m very confused and concerned by, (Speaking) all of this… I… Do you want to save the planet? (Of course you want to save the planet!) Do you want to save the planet? (There’s just one way you can do it!) By singing a song! (Singing a song) Singing along! La dee dah dah dah dah la dee dah dee dah Da dee dah dah dah dee dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah La dee dah dah dah dah DAY!!! La dee dah dah La dee dah dah La dee dah dah day! La dee dah dah day! La dee dah dah La dee dah dah La dee dah dah day! Away! La dee dahahh… Day! Lights down! Oh my god. (Quick change. Quick change.) Okay. Okay? Okay. Okay. Okay! Now, I get that Alice is eighteen. She’s a senior. She’s got her own life, but I only get my daughter for one week a month, And she wants to spend that whole time with her girlfriend, Deb. So I say, “bring Deb along, we’ll all go see the show.” And would you believe it? We get there and the whole theater was exploded by a god dang METEOR! Mama Mia! Huge hole right through the marquee and everything. Can you believe that, Charlotte? Charlotte? You got enough coffee in the sugar? Huh? Oh! I didn’t even realize. Sorry. I’ll make another pot. Coffee in the sugar (laughs) . . . Bill, you’re a riot. (giggles) Coffee in sugar. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hey guys, uh, is today some kind of, I don’t know, Canadian holiday or something? Like uh . . . International Music Day or…? Not that I know of. Okay, ’cause I just, uh… (Laughs) I just saw some people Dancing and singing like they were in a musical. There was this homeless guy and this very rude woman from Greenpeace doing this whole Choreographed number . . . Like a flash mob? Yeah. I mean, what else could it have been, right? Well, did you get a video of it? No. You’re fucking useless, Paul. Yeah, I just have a bad feeling about all this. Charlotte? Huh? Have you noticed anything strange? What? No. Oh, it’s silly. Um… It’s just… um… It’s Sam, my husband. He said he was coming home late last night. Heh! He didn’t get home at all! (Coughs) Uh, I heard, I wasn’t there. He must have rolled in around 6:00 this morning. He was in the shower when I woke up. I could hear him. He was… Singing. And I know this is a strange thing to realize, because, well, Sam’s not a… BAD singer. He’s just always been a little… flat. But not this morning. Today he… he sounded like an angel. And I don’t know why, but it frightened me. It just… It didn’t sound like MY Sam. Oh, I must sound silly. I’m probably just imagining things . . . Charlotte? Do you remember WHAT Sam was singing? It was just a silly little song. Something like, um, La Dee Dah dah day? Paul. Mr. Davidson wants to see you in his office. Oh shoot, I forgot to hand in my weekly reports yesterday. I’m gonna get it! Ah, ho ho ho ho ho! Hey Mr. Davidson, I think I know why you called me in here today. My weekly reports were not turned in yesterday, Not because they’re not done. They are done. There’s a problem with the printer network, You see, you try to print something over here, it gets sent over there. (Laughs nervously) I bet my report is sitting in someone else’s printer tray right now. You give me til the end of the day, I can find it. Not do it. I- I- I wouldn’t just not do my statistical analysis. (Laughs nervously) That would really gum things up here in the office. And that’s the last thing I want, (Piano Note) (Singing) What do you want, Paul? (Speaking) Excuse me? (Singing) Tell me what you desire to see. Your deepest intent, Paul. What do ya see for this company? I’m looking for someone with strong ambition. Someone to sell their specific vision, Someone to share with precise precision their thoughts . . . ‘Cause I want you to want, To want. (Speaking) So what do you want, Paul? What’s that one concrete goal that motivates all your actions? I don’t think I have one of those. Well then, how is anyone supposed to sympathize with you, Paul? I dunno, I want money or- (Singing)I want you to want, Paul! A man so vague just can’t be trusted. Something you pine for! (Speaking) Mr. Davidson? (Singing) Maybe someone who keeps you lusting. I’m just a boss, I’m not an idea guy. I hire you, Paul, to keep our stock high. But you if you can’t pin that point that’s in the sky! Then I want you to want! To want! Do you know what I want for myself? (Speaking) Okay? (Singing) I’ve waited for so long To tell somebody else. Carol, My wife, you’re my muse, my source of light. Carol, My love, I want you to choke me out at night. (Speaking) Uh huh? (Singing) I want you to choke me, (Speaking) Seems like a private moment. (Singing) I want you to choke me, (Speaking) Like who is this for? (Speaking) I want you to choke me, while I jerk off. I want you to choke me while I jerk off! (Speaking) Melissa, get my wife on the phone for me. Mr. Davidson, I think I should leave. No Paul! I want you to hear this, if you leave you’re fired. Carol! Yes, everything’s fine. I promise. I just uh, Wanted to tell you something. (clicks tongue twice) I uh, Mmmm Heh heh heh heh heh heh . . . I uh, I forgot what I wanted to say . . . Maybe someday I’ll remember. Goodbye. (Singing) Paul! Now you know what it is to want! (Speaking) I wanna go home! (Singing) It consumes a man with the passion to drive the primary plot. So take up yoga or improv classes, volunteer at shelters, or Twitch to the masses, There’s gotta be something that’ll keep my hands on you! – I want you!
– (Speaking) Oh hell no. (Singing) Cause I want you to want. (Speaking) Mr. Davidson, I’m going to get some coffee, do you want anything? (Singing) No, I need you to want! (Yelling) How about an iced caramel frappe? Nothing better? (Singing) And if you don’t want, We’re through. Paul? Paul? PAUL! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, Okay, alright. This isn’t happening. Get a grip, Paul, you’re hallucinating. Better yet, You’re still dreaming. You need to wake up, you need some coffee. That’s it. Just a nice cup of black coffee, Nothing in it. No cream. No sugar. Just black coffee! (Bell chimes) HELLO?! HELLO?!? Please God, I just want a black coffee! (Singing) Black coffee, I’m your coffee gal, NO!!! (Singing) Here a coffee- No! Not you too, Emma, please God stop singing! Okay. Okay. I’ll stop. Oh, I didn’t forget. You’re the guy who doesn’t like musicals, Paul, right? Emma. You’re talking to me, like a normal person. Uh, yeah, and if my boss catches me, I’ll get canned. Uh, new company policy Not only do we have to sing when people tip but when they enter, when they order, all the time apparently! Emma, I think there’s something terribly wrong with the world today. Yeah fucking tell me about it. I spent the entire morning learning some dumb ass new tip song, I’m exhausted. Do-? Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma, I feel like there’s something . . . Sinister, Infecting Hatchetfield, and I know this is gonna sound crazy, And not very scary, but it is scary if you think about the implications. Promise me you’ll think about the implications? Okay. Okay, I promise. Okay, Emma. I think the world is becoming . . . A musical. Um I- Don’t say anything. Let it sink in. Okay. Okay, now, Are you frightened? Uh yeah, I think I am starting to get a little frightened . . . You should be! You should be, Okay, I think you should sit down and wait for me- Emma! Tip! Oh, thank god. Sorry Paul, I gotta do this dumbass tip song. Sorry! (Singing) Get your cup of roasted coffee. Good morning cuppa joe-y. With your jamming cup of java, mocha latte with the froth for you jack (Clap) Frappuccino with a freshly roasted mung beans. It’s a caramel drizzle mod in a cup! With a drip, drip, drip drip, drip. And we’ll bring it right up! – Hey Mr. Business, how do you do?
– Oooo, Oooo. – Can we get a triple for you?
– Oooo, Oooo. Decaf? What? Decaf? What? Dit dit, dee de dit, dee de dit, dee de dit And we’ll bring it right up! Oi oi oi! (Singing) Emma! (Speaking) Hold on . . . (Sips) Ahhh! (Singing) And we’ll bring it, And we’ll bring it, Right, right, right, And we’ll bring it right up! (Music Continues) (Speaking) God, wait. Hey! What is this? There’s more? Nora! Hey! Hey! You know what alright alright stop stop stop! (Music stops) What is that? A whole other A section? God! When did you learn that? You know what? When I got this job, I signed up to serve coffee and cold shitty pastries. If I wanted to be in a musical, I’d be in a damn musical! Yeah, that’s right Zoey. I was in Brigadoon in high school and I fucking killed it But now, I’m just trying to make ends meet while I work my way through Community College and I can do that just as easily, down the street at, Starbucks, I quit. (Singsongy Voice) You can’t quit Emma. Yeah, I sure as hell can. The song is so simple. We’ll teach it to you! Why everyone here will be singing it soon! (coughing) What are you talking about? (Coughing) They’ve all had their coffee, their apotheosis will be upon them at any moment. Wait, what did you do to their coffee?! Fucking gross! – (Singing) Getcha cuppa poison coffee! – (Singing) Getcha cuppa poison coffee!
– (Speaking) What is this? What is this? – Ya toxic cuppa joey! – Ya toxic cuppa joey!
– (Speaking) What? We’ll make a twisted cuppa Java mocha latte with the goo for you, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack! Hey, Mr. Business, [All:] How do ya, how do ya, how do ya doooo? (Speaking) They’re singing! Why are they all singing?! We need to run, Emma. Don’t hold back, just run! (Singing) We’ll make a double for you! Hey, Mr. Business! And we’ll bring it right up! Ah? Emma they’re here! They’re here Emma! What? No! It’s too narrow! No trust me I- I- used to live around here It’s uh- a- a- an alleyway near where I used to live it’s- God!? Nobody will follow us here Who- Who’s decision was it to line an alleyway with tons of shrubs? No- I heard it was like, at one point they were going to make it into a park and- What? Yeah, they were gonna make it into a park and they just stopped. Listen- Paul? There are a lot of dead ends around here I just wanna make sure you know where you’re going? No, Yeah, so- are you-? There’s a dead end here so? Okay . . . I’m sorry, just go the other way again Alright fine, fine, fine. So uh, I know this probably a bad time but uh, what do you like-, do you like film? Yeah ah, you know what that is, that is, a bad time. Wait! Paul! Oh wait an alley, how’d I miss that? Th- th- the trash cans, go. Oh my god! Oh my god what the fuck was that?! I told it was scarier than it sounds! You were right, I didn’t think about the implications. Oh my god I didn’t think about it! Emma, Emma, shh . . . It’s all right, okay? (Banging) Ahhhh! No- it’s not alright Paul! Bill! You scared the shit out of us. Well how the hell am I supposed to pop out of a trash can and not scare the shit out of you? I don’t know give us a warning or something next time, you know (Repeated Banging) Ahh! Charlotte! Sorry, I tried to warn you bu- Oh my god! Who are these people? They’re my friends from work. What are they doing in the trash? Well we had to find a place to hide, Mr. Davidson’s kept calling people into his office and they kept coming out singing! It was the same at the bank, the butchers, and the post office. It’s all downtown, we were just at Beanies! (Bang) Ahhh! You didn’t invite me?! Jesus Ted! Shh! Shhh! Shut the fuck up, Paul! Alright? If you want to stay in our hiding spot, you got to be quiet. All right, there’s something going on and we don’t know what it is or who we can trust so Paul, (Tap tap) Get in your trashcan. You, beat it! Uhh Fuck you? No, no Emma stays with us. I don’t know her! Yeah you do! She’s the . . . She’s the barista from Beanies the- You know, Th- ‘the latte-hottie’ What? Paul that is not the latte hottie. That’s the crabby one who won’t sing when I tip her! You grabbed the wrong one! You noodle! Fuck! (Police Sirens) Oh, oh! Thank god! They’re here! I- I called Sam, he’ll get us out of this! Sam, sweetheart? Sam baby? Oh Sam thank god you’re here. They’ve gone crazy! Everyone’s gone crazy! (Music Starts) Wha-? (Singing) Ma’am I need ya to take a step back. (Speaking) Huh? (Singing) You’re facing the law, not the clerk at the Ga- ap. – Yeah we’re cops,
– (Speaking) Oh! Yeah we’re cops. You better shape on up. (Speaking) Get away from him Charlotte. He’s one of them! Wha-? Oh? (Singing) You better empty out all of them pockets, but don’t (Slap) empty out all of them pockets. Yeah we’re cops, Yeah we’re cops and we make sense. Show me your hands! Show me those jazz hands, – Get em up or you’ll end up in cuffs
– (Speaking) Ah! (Singing) Show me those hands, show me those jazz hands! – Or I might be inclined to shoot you up.
– (Speaking) Whoa. Aw Fuck. Hey look, my I.D is in my back pocket (Singing) You go 40 in 35, Check your mirror you’ll find hell has arrived. – Cause we’re cops, yeah we’re cops.
– (Yelling) Ow! We’re up in your shit. Cathy lost her cat in a tree, Contact Fire, not the HFPD, Cause we’re cops, yeah we’re cops. Her cat is dead. Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands! Get ’em up, or you’ll end up in cuffs. Show me those hands, show me those jazz hands. Or I might be inclined . . . Step away from the vehicle, step away from the vehicle Get back in the vehicle, you get back in the vehicle! Slowly get out of the vehicle, Slowly get out of the vehicle. Do the things I say! I’m a cop. – Get those hands up, get those hands up
– Step away from the vehicle, step away from the vehicle
– (siren noises) – Put those hands down, put those hands down.
– Get back in the vehicle, get back in the vehicle.
– (Siren noises) – Get those hands up, get those hands up.
– Slowly get out of the vehicle, slowly get out of the vehicle.
– (Siren noises) – Up! Down!
– Do the things I say!
– (Siren noises) I’m a cop. 9-1-1 emergency call. Got a 4-1-1 at your shopping mall. Better pack your heat and utility belt. Any mall-rats comin’ in hot, they melt. Serg, it’s your wife on the 9-1-1. What that bitch want, Serg? She just wants a snug. Grab your 9 millimeter and donut bucket. Want my badge number? Put it in your mouth and SUCK IT! (Speaking) Oh Sam, sweetheart . . . I’m your wife. Sam baby, just talk to me. (Speaking) Charlotte! Sam? (Gun cocks) (Screams) – (Singing) Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands!
– doo bop a da-ba da-ba, doo bop a da-ba da-ba, – Get em up or they’ll end up in cuffs.
– doo bop a da-ba da-bop, – Show me those hands, show me those jazz hands!
– doo bop a da-ba da-ba, doo bop a da-ba da-ba, Or I might be inclinced to shoot you- (metal clang)
(scream) (Speaking) Woah! Oh my god! J-just get back! Just stay away, just leave us alone! (Alien/Turkey noises) Oh my god! Oh my god! He- His head is open! Well I had to do something! Oh! Oh- oh my god! His brain fell out! What? Well put it back then! Oh I don’t know how, I’m not a doctor! Charlotte, look at that! That’s not his brain, its’ blue! Well how do you know? You’re not a doctor either! Augh! I need to see a doctor, he needs to get to the doctor, Sam baby . . . No, uh, listen, listen . . . Charlotte- Charlotte right? I’m Charlotte. Yes! Okay listen, we have to get out of downtown. Okay? Downtown is fucked. The hospital is downtown, we can’t go there. But he needs to see a doctor, he needs to see a doctor. Sam, we’re gonna get you to a doctor . . . Um okay, okay . . . Oh! Oh okay! Okay! I know where we can go, I have this like kooky, reclusive Biology professor, Professor Hidgens! Yes! I’m his favorite student, ’cause I brought his groceries once. Anyway, he has a doctorate! That’s kind of like a doctor, right? He could help your husband, probably! And um, he’s got like a lab in his house, and a-security . . . His whole house is like a panic room! He’s like a . . . Um . . . What do you call a guy that live in a fortress? A king! No! No, he’s like a . . . um. . . a Doomsday . . . Survivalist! Yes! He thinks the world is ending, he’s been preparing for the last 20 years for the apocalypse. The apocalypse? Is that what this is? Maybe we should go to a church. No! No, no no no, no, Charlotte We are all from different denominations, alright? We cannot split up. I am a presbyterian. I’m not gonna die in your dirty ass Methodist Church, alright? I say, we go to the panic room and we beg for the King’s help. Charlotte, I think the best thing for all of us, including Sam, would be to get to the professor. Yeah . . . Well, let’s go now. We can take the squad car. Uh, help me with him. Did you see this? I don’t need to see it, thank you. This is Hatchetfield Action News with Dan and Donna! What began as a series of isolated incidents has escalated into what some are calling a musical riot. Good god! It’s spreading faster than I theorized! Despite several reports of violence, the Hatchetfield Police have assured Channel 9 there is no cause for alarm. Because they’re part of it, Donna! Nevertheless, our skittish neighbors in Clivesdale have raised the Nantucket Bridge. With the ferries down for the season and no accessible means off the island, Hatchetfield citizens are advised to stay indoors (TV switch) Like fish in a barrel! Of course the outside world is no help! It’s up to us now, Alexa. (Alexa chime) (Doorbell buzz) Who is it? Professor Hidgens! Don’t lie to me, whoever you are! I’m Professor Hidgens! No No Professor, it’s me Emma Perkins? The whole town has gone crazy, I didn’t know where else to go. Emma! You’ve come to the right place! Hold on I’ll let you in. Alexa! Open the gates! (Alexa chime) (doorbell buzz) Oh my god! Thank you, Professor! Thank you! Oh these are my friends, this is Paul and… Them. We came from downtown. Now listen, this is going to sound crazy, but everyone Singing? and dancing? Like a musical? They want you to join them, once they get you, you’re a part of it! Uh yeah, how did you know? I theorized this exact scenario 30 years ago! Really? Really! Like exactly this? Exactly! That the world would become a musical? You’d better believe it! Wait. So that’s what’s wrong with Sam? Good god! Don’t tell me you brought one of them here! (screams) Told you we should have left him in the alley! You’re a monster, Ted! No! He’s a monster! Alright, everybody calm down! Providence has brought him to me. Quickly! Cuff him to the chair, Make sure he’s secure. There’s no telling what would happen if he were awake and loose. I’ve been preparing for this day for decades. Now, all of the answers are right in front of me! If only I have the wits to decipher them. Alright. (squelch) Now. Tell me Emma What on earth does that look like to you? Oh God. Um, I don’t know some kind of blue… shit? Exactly Emma! What the fuck is this shit? I’ll tell you what on Earth it looks like Nothing. You all remember that meteor that crashed into the Starlight Theater last night? I dare say it carried a deadly cargo. A contagious pathogen of cosmic origin. Wait a second, doc. Don’t tell me you’re talking about… aliens? Why is that so hard to believe? Think of all that we take for granted now that was once fortold in the pages of Bradbury and Azimuth. Look no further than my robot assistant… Alexa. (Alexa chime) Once confined to the realm of science fiction, she is now science fact! Alexa! (Alexa chime) Dim the lights. Extraordinary! Twenty years ago, I would have had to walk all the way to the dimmer! Now, as unbelievable as this or the outbreak may seem, the question is no longer can this be happening But how do we stop it? I’ve got to get this blue shit beneath a microscope to find out what makes these bastards tick Sorry professor? This is a lot to take in Do you have anything to take the edge off like? Drink or something? Young man For the past 27 years I have been stockpiling the bare essentials needed for human survival in the events of a world ending cataclysm You bet your ass we got booze! Come with me. Oh Sam, baby… Come on Charlotte, we’ll make you a drink, we can relax, talk, fuck Ted! I can’t believe you’re thinking about that at a time like this! The whole world could be coming to an end! Well if I’m gonna die, I’m gonna go out doing the thing I love Screwin around with another man’s wife Ted! You’re such a horny bastard! Always have been. Always will be. And you know that’s why I can’t resist you! Wait! Ted! My husband’s brains fell out today. If I can’t be a wife to him now, What kind of woman am I? Oh, I don’t know Charlotte. I’m not your therapist! You know, maybe you should go back to fucking him. Hmm? I know that’s why you actually went to counseling I mean that’s not the only reason! I wanted to make things work with Sam. I love him. I know I shouldn’t but I do… No Charlotte! This guy is a scumbag, alright? You could upgrade… To a sleazeball But you refuse to be happy You know what Charlotte? I’m done, alright? So you could stay here with your dying marriage and your dying husband I’m gonna go hit on that crabby barista Wait, no. Ted! Wait! Oh God! Oh, God? God, if you’re up there and you can hear me, it’s me Charlotte. You just gotta know… I didn’t want any of this to happen! I love Sam and I know we’ve had our problems and I know I’ve been so angry with him lately, but but I didn’t want him to die! Please God! Just let him wake up! Just let him wake up! Charlotte! Oh! Oh oh, Sam? Where am I? Why am I tied to a chair? Um, it’s for your own safety, Sam. And ours…. You’re not well Sam. Charlotte, baby, I’m hurt real bad. I need a doctor. Um, I’ll go get the professor No! They left me here to die! Only you can help me, Charlotte. Untie me.. And we’ll leave here Together I’m tied up Charlotte… Please don’t do that Tied up… with you. You understand me Now hand me those keys. No! The keys to our youth God! We were young once Innocent and fun once And free Let go of this grip on me You tied up my heart! You tied me down Now break me open! With your love and mercy Charlotte! You’re breaking my heart, Char Got my feet to the fire Just let me go and I’ll love you I love you too Sam, but I- I can not let you go Charlotte baby, apple of my eye! Don’t you twust me? I effed up Charlotte Effed up with you All the booze and harlots And all the Charlotte’s but they didn’t count They couldn’t break me you’re the one who caged me in chains! Please take away my pain Charlotte! Let me hold you again, Char Just free up my arms, and I’ll give you a foot massage – Charlotte!
– Nononononono Will you ever forgive me? I’ll crawl on my hands and knees if you untie me girl and free up my heart! (Untie me now) This is kinda catchy, Sam! (Now break me open) Uh huh! – No no no! I gotta go get the others, Sam, this is bad!
– (with love and mercy) Help! Oh fuck I’m fading fast, I think you better come quick. I really don’t wanna die alone in here Time to say our goodbyes at the end of the road Goodbye? No no, Sam, you’ll be alright just hold on! This body’s not gonna last. The air is cold and thick, I’m losing my last remaining hope for us No! My hands are tied in knots, and I can’t come home… I wanna die in your arms in your evening glow What? Sam? No. Oh what have I done? No, damn! What have I done! No! Oh what have I done! Charlotte! You brought me back from the dead, Char! My light was in red I saw God, and he told me girl To free up my heart (Untie me now) It’s a miracle! (Now break me open) (with love and mercy) Now I’m gonna free up your heart, baby Yes take me Sam! (guts squish) Oh my guts! (guts squish) He said this was a full bar! How the hell am I supposed to make a Shirley Temple without any cherries? Jesus Christ Bill! It’s the end of the world and you’re gonna get your drink on with a Shirley fucking Temple? Well, if it’s as serious as all that, I figured we might need a designated driver! Okay so when the cops pull you over, you can pass their breathalyzer test before they infect you with their nasty blue shit? Come on! If you make one more crack at me, I am gonna… Do something to you! Oh yeah Bill? What are you gonna do? I’m gonna… Kick your head! Oh My head. Yeah! Not my ass. Yeah! Alright then let’s see it! Huh? Kick my head! Come on, karate champ! I want to see you kick above your waist. Alright, try that roundhouse Show me that sweeping crane kick that your kung-fu master taught you. Okay, you two, calm down! Ted. Bill’s not gonna kick your head Why not? It’s the most vulnerable part of the body. That’s what Sensei Bill taught me. Okay, it was a dumb threat. Stop rubbing it in. I’m sure if you could do it over again, he’d say ass Uh-uh, uh-uh, you know if you want to kill a snake, what do you do? Huh? You cut off its head. Where does the fish rot from? The head! Take out the head, and the whole thing goes down! That’s why a fisherman always goes for… The head! Ow! Come on Bill, come on! Give me that. This is supposed to relax us not make us kill each other. Whatever. Ugh, Why did I come back here? To uh, Drink? Back to Hatchetfield. I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to get out of this place Should’ve just stayed in Guatemala. I mean, yeah, they’ve got volcanoes and Coatimundis everywhere, but uh- What’s a Coatimundi? Oh, it’s like a little raccoon thing. Eh, they get into shit, people hate ’em, but at least they don’t sing and dance! So is that what drove you back to Hatchetfield? Coatimundis, Up in your shit? No, no, it was uh my sister, Jane. She was the good one Yeah She had this um, Lisa Frank binder when she was little where she mapped out her entire life and I swear to god she stuck to it. Bullet point by bullet point. It was like job, husband, house, kids, And you know when one sister so on top of her game it kind of demands that the other one be a total fuck-up right? What is Yin without yang? That’s what I’m saying! yeah, man, she was off doing life and I was doing something else, Backpacking mostly and she would call me and you know, invite me home for the big events you know, weddings, baby showers, and I’d always say oh, (Clicks Tongue) Sorry, I’ll catch the next one but um, Then when I got the invitation to her funeral I was like oh, There won’t be a next one No, I’m sorry. Hey, you didn’t crash into her car. Anyway, uh, it’s weird Growing up in someone else’s shadow because then when they’re gone The light shines on your life for the first time, and it does not look good. So there I was 30 with no roots anywhere except Hatchetfield, So I thought uh, well I’m gonna make something of myself, you know do something My sister would be proud of, enroll in community college, study botany I’m gonna start a pot farm. Oh Did your sister smoke a lot of pot? No, but weed’s the future it’s gonna be legal nationwide soon bet you any money, Not that it matters anymore. Man, my whole life, my one goal was to avoid dying in Hatchetfield and Here we are Hey, it could be worse. You could be dying in Clivesdale Fuck Clivesdale! Fuck em! You know uh all things considered I like Hatchetfield. mmm. Yeah. I’ve been here my whole life born and bred Never wanted to leave Still don’t Hey, we’re the same age, how come I never knew you in high school? You probably went to Hachetfield High, I went to Sycamore Fucking Timberwolves! We hated you guys. We hated ourselves! (Laughs) uh, So uh back at Beanies you said you’re in your high school production of Brigadoon? (Scottish Accent) Hey, I was Bonnie Jean That was 2003 right? I actually saw you in Brigadoon. No Shit. Yes Shit! Yeah Uh, We didn’t have a theater program in our school. So I guess to make us feel like crap They bused us over to watch your show. It was the first musical I ever saw. Hmm. I hated it That’s probably the start of my whole thing You’re the reason I don’t like musicals! Whoa, that’s like your origin story. Yeah So I guess I’m the supervillian? I don’t think of you like that at all Emma. Listen um Paul- (Lighting Strikes) Oh my god Charlotte? It is time… TO DIE!!!!! Sorry to interrupt, but we got bones to pluck! The time for Chaos is long past overdue Death isn’t optional In fact it’s optimal Your time is up and now we go through you We tried to convince you in soliloquy, but now we’ll kill you with more than harmony Just die join us and die (Speaking) Charlotte? Join us and die, join us and die All you gotta do is, Join us and die Join us (Speaking) What’s wrong with them? and die Join us and die (Angrily) All you gotta do is Cause I was gonna go, we’re gonna kick your ass and then we’re gonna fucking kick your ass You’re gonna poop all that goop until your mouth will be food and I’ll assemble a new and ??? (Yelling) What’s wrong with her shirt? This is a process that you gotta see Ahhh (Yelling) Ew! Your own body is your front row seat! To die! Join us and Die Join us and die Join us and die All you gotta do is, Join us and die (yelling) no, no! Join us and die (Background Yelling) Join us and Punch him, yah! (yelling) Oh! Squeeze him, (Yelling) oh! Crush him. (Yelling) Ah! Kill him Ride Him Drag him Wind it up Kick his nuts That’s how it’s gonna go- (Gun Shot) (Singing)Oh – Ah (Gun Shot) Oh my god! Professor! You killed Charlotte! Wrong. You shot her. I shot a Charle-ton Ahh . . . The Charlotte you knew and loved was gone the minute a note came out of her mouth. After examining that blue shit It didn’t take long for me to decipher that, Sam was no longer human But part of the alien brew genetically reconstructed from the inside out They’re wearing our skin to fool us Which means any one of you could be one of them? Whoa, whoa, whoa So we’re gonna have a little test to see who’s still human and who’s a musical doppelganger? Uh, what? I want you all to sing 16 bars right now. No! Professor, professor, we’re not aliens- (Cocks Gun) Sing the beginning of Moana! What? uh? I said sing god damn it! Uh, (Trying to sing) Moana, make way, make way (Singing badly and incoherently) Uh, it’s uh consider the coconut, cocoa, ho ho (Continuing to sing badly and incoherently) uh, consider its tree, uh god gives – ho ho- us what we – and no one leaves (Speaking) I didn’t like that movie (Bill continuing to sing badly) the circle of life, . . . and it m- (Speaking) That’s not it All right, That was terrible. Not a single one of you were on pitch, which means, They’re still human. These, things their, their, tactic is to hide amongst us and as their numbers grow, they become more bold, and as we’ve seen (Cocks gun) violent. (Phone rings) (Phone rings) Alice? Alice oh, thank god. I’ve never been more happy in my life, your mother left me and moved you to Clivesdale What? No, no Alice. I saw you get on the bus to Clivesdale this morning. What? You got off? Got off? To go see Deb? God damn it Alice! If Deb jumped off a bridge, would you? Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know you’re scared. What’s wrong with Deb? She’s doing what? Alice okay. Listen to me You get away from her you understand? You get far away. No, this has nothing to do with me not liking Deb. Right now, you need to run and hide. Okay? Where are you? No, no, you stay there. I’m coming to you No, no, don’t- don’t you say… Everything’s going to be fine. I love you, too Give me, give me, some bread and some water I knew we were gonna need a designated driver! What’s happening Bill? It’s Alice. She’s stuck in Hatchetfield. Dang it! I need to take the car. She’s in Hatchetfield High She’s locked herself in the choir room. and you’re gonna save her? GI Bill? You’re gonna run and gun your way through a city of singing zombie motherfuckers. Wake up Bill! She’s already dead. Don’t you dare Ted! You’re gonna get there and she’s gonna be dead and you’re gonna die too and that’s exactly what’s gonna happen If you try to go back through downtown. but what else am I supposed to do? Don’t go through downtown. Cut through Pinebrook. What? Pinebrook, rich neighborhood fancy houses Huge yards. Yes, avoid densely populated areas. Take Evergreen, cut through the park, hop a curb, and you’re in the teachers parking lot. Right! Yes, and the windows to the staff lounge is always open so they can smoke, just slide in and out, used to be my old escape route. Okay. Okay. This is a lot of directions. Don’t bother he’s gonna get lost. You are such a fucking creep. You know that? Oh, I’m a fucking creep? Yeah. I’m a fucking creep? Listen, sweetheart. The world has changed, alright? There are no creeps. There are no heroes. There are only people who are alive and people who are fucking dead! And Bill’s daughter, She’s dead. What? I’m only saying what we all know is true! Right Paul? I know that the chances are slim to nil, and I know that Bill doesn’t know the shortcut Bill if you go, you’re not gonna make it which is why I’m gonna go with you to get your daughter back You’d do that for me Paul? Hey, it’s not like you’re asking me to go see Mamma Mia. Well, hey, let’s go if we haul ass we can be there and back in 20 minutes. No, Emma you stay here I have a theory on how these aliens can be stopped, but I’ll need an extra pair of hands in the lab Paul, Bill, Godspeed. Um, hey Paul? Listen, If those things get you, they’re gonna make you sing and dance and all that shit you hate, So don’t you let em. Emma, there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to draw a line in the sand And I, Will never be in a fucking musical. Alice? Alice? -Sweetie where are you?
– Bill! Be quiet! Be quiet Bill okay? We gotta find her Paul! We will but, but you’re gonna have to shut up, alright? This whole school could be crawling with those things, you screaming is gonna get us killed and then who’s gonna save Alice? Right, Right. Sorry Paul, It’s just… she’s all I have. I know, Just, just try to stay calm and follow me. Okay? You know, she’s a good kid Paul she’s smart and I respect her choices, but if we’re being honest, I don’t like Deb. She’s just, she’s always on her phone, and I don’t know. I just think Alice can do better Yeah, sure Bill. This morning the knucklehead that I am, I said “Why don’t you try dating someone at your own high school in Clivesdale?” And she said “You just don’t like Deb.” and what was I supposed to do lie? So I said “Why don’t you try dating someone like Grace Chastity?” and she goes “No! Grace Chastity is a nerdy prude!” And I said, “1. I said date someone like her 2. That is not a very nice thing to say.” and suddenly I’m defending Grace Chastity of all people, and she says “You just want Grace Chastity to be your daughter!” and I said “Well at least she’s nice to me at church!” And I think that fight is why she got off the bus to go see Deb Oh god Paul, I’m the reason they trapped her. It’s my fault. No! No, listen to me B ill, okay? This is not your fault Yes, it is Alice? It’s all your fault That’s the last thought I had before they broke down the door. (Singing) I’m not your girl anymore, I’m not that tween that you drove here for, I’m not your girl anymore. I overtook her body with an infectious spore. You left me out of your sight for one second and look what happens, nightmare time. (Speaking) I- It’s worse than you could imagine not sex and not drugs, just alien invading minds. No more family vacays together cause your only daughter’s under the weather, And if you actually paid attention to me, You see I’m not your seed, (Speaking) Alice , what is going on? I’m not your angsty teen (Speaking) Alice, I’m, I’m here to take you home. Uh- No matter what you believe, The apple’s fallen far from the tree It’s not my fault anymore, no more curfews to be late for It’s not my fault anymore, no more being worried and waiting by the door Did you know that I wanted to live with you? -No
– (Look what happened, it’s nightmare time) When you needed to fight, you gave her that too – Whoa-ah
– (Aliens invading minds) Did you know Mom let Deb sleep over? (Speaking) What? And you’re right about Deb, she’s a hardcore stoner. (Yelling)I knew it! and if you wonder what lead your daughter astray, Well, Daddy wasn’t here to save- (Not your seed) (Talking) Alice whatever I said before I’m sorry I’m not your perfect teen, You can break out of it, I know, I know you can. I’m fucking seventeen, at least I was before you left me. (Speaking) Bill, we need to leave right now- (Speaking) Back off Paul we’re not leaving without Alice. (Speaking) That’s not your daughter, Bill.. (Speaking) Alice? Why does it hurt to love you? Why am I in pain? Why does it hurt to know you? You let me down again. If I turned my insides out would you even know that I was there? Why does it hurt to love you? Why does it hurt to love? (Drum beat) I’m not your seed (Not yo gurl, not yo gurl) Now maybe you’ll listen to me (listen to me, listen to me) How do you let me bleed? (Let me bleed) Now you’re daughter’s not a girl no more (Girl no more, girl no more) Now I own your seed. Cuz I’m not your girl anymore. I can’t do it Paul. I can’t live in a world without my daughter. Bill? Whatever you’re thinking, stop. I can’t live knowing I’m the reason they got to her. No Bill. No, no- Let me do it Paul! No Just let me die- No man. No Bill Look at me You’re my best friend. I’m not gonna let you die. (Gunshot) Bill! Oh God! Bill! (together) We just keep running into each other, don’t we Paul? (Together) We have travelled across seas of stars (At the same time) Bending/Counting/Conquering (At the same time) Bending/Counting/Conquering (Together) Wait (Together) What are we saying? We all have to say the same thing (Together) Let’s get on the same page (Harmonizing) I’m here, I’m here, I’m here (Together) Bending countless civilizations to our will. Yet you Paul have defied us thrice! (Gunshot) Holy shit! (Together) This puny human weapon is too quick a death for you Paul (Together) We shall rend you limb from limb you will (At the same time) Shut/die/choke (At the same time) you will shut/die/choke? (Together) Seriously, we all need to say the same thing. You guys are embarrassing me! Oh come on! (Together) You shall choke on your agony as you beg for apotheosis (Singing) ahhh N-, n-, n-, no, no, no Get down on the ground we’re the army! Bam bam! Get out of here! Bam Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! All right, we’re clear on the left here we go, whoop! Clear on the right. Grenade! Whoa! Yah! Wait, wait, wait I’m not one of them. I’m human- (thump) Yeah? Prove it asshole we’re the army. Remarkable! Simply remarkable! So, Emma how do you explain an entire race of beings spontaneously bursting into song and dance? How do they all know the lyrics? Th- the choreography? I don’t know they’re all getting orders from the mothership? You’re not far off. What we’re dealing with here is a collective consciousness. On one level, they are individuals, but on another they are all appendages of a much larger organism all connected by a central brain. and the brain came down in the meteor? Or It is the meteor. Okay? Okay, and so it wants to kill us all so it can resurrect us as part of its shitty musical? That’s one way of putting it you could also say it’s uniting us in one common purpose. Think! Emma, this entity were to spread to the entire planet why… It could achieve what over 50,000 years of human civilization never could World peace Okay, but how do we stop it? Yes, of course Stop it Okay um, All right, All right. So this all started with the meteor, it is the brain So if we take it out, will all these things just die? That’s a sound theory Emma Which is why it must never leave its room What? n- n- n- no no! Don’t fight it Oh Oh Sorry for that knock on the head son, you can never be too careful. What’s your name? Uh, Paul Mathews Good evening Paul, My name’s General John McNamara of the United States Military, special unit PE IP. We call it Peep. Peep? I’ve never heard of you guys. And you never will, not a peep. That’s a joke son We have the unenviable task of cleaning up messes of a certain nature, Situations not unlike what we have here in Hatchetfield. Are you saying stuff like this has happened before? said nothing in this sort that information is classified. However, our agents led us to believe the entire population had become infected with this alien contagion. So quite frankly, We’re all little shocked to find a survivor like yourself. But I got some bad news for you Paul, My unit was sent to make a clean sweep of what was once your town. No loose ends. No survivors. Whoa so you’re just gonna kill me? Those are my orders. Yes, two in the head, one in the heart. But there’s one thing you better hurry up and know about me, Paul. I love my country I do, But the experiences I’ve accrued throughout my tenure with this organization have given me a deeper understanding of the cosmos and our place in it. I follow a higher law than any institution could decree and that is the universal truth of love and the strength of the human heart Would you like to do some light reading on the subject? No, thank you. No thank you So I’m gonna bend the rules a little bit for you Paul I have an evac chopper touching down in Oakly Park at 2300 hours That’s 11 o’clock in the PM, synchronize your timepiece with mine. Oh Okay, Is that an iPhone? Yeah, it’s the 6s. It ha- a-uhhh (Grunts while throwing phone) Wear a watch! Time is a precious thread in the fabric of the universe. It deserves its own tool of measurement! You survive ’til 2300 hours, there’s a seat in that chopper with your name on it. Cool. Oh uh wa- wait. Wait General McNamara. I can’t leave without Emma. (sighs) Who’s Emma, Paul? A friend of mine. Friends don’t move my heart son. Is there a chance at something more? I think so, uh I’d like there to be. I want there to be. Well, then you know what that means, What? I’m authorizing you to use my firearm. Rescue Emma and get your ass to that chopper in two hours time. Thank you sir. Don’t thank me until we’re both in Clivesdale sharing a cup of coffee Do you like coffee son? Yes, sir. Do you like musicals? No, sir. Now that’s a goddamn red-blooded American I’ll see you on the chopper Hey Hey! Wha-? Wha-? What the fuck? So You’re finally awake. Professor Hidgens. What are you doing? Exactly what needs to be done! Alexa (Alexa chime) Open the gates! Turn off the fences, Shut it all down! (electric buzz) No Professor! The fences are the only things protecting us! Protecting us from what, Emma? From the end of the world? What’s protecting us from nuclear Holocaust climate change? Overpopulation? Emma… The world was already doomed Not by them, but by us. I was trying to save something that could not be saved Until now. But before we can be reborn into a better world First, we must say our goodbyes. No! No… No… Please… Alexa (Alexa chime) After all these years in isolation, with you as my one companion I’ve I’ve come to love you just as much as any woman of flesh and bone Which is why it pains me to have to do this Alexa (Alexa chime) Initiate self-destruct Uhh… I don’t think you can do that Professor… (sigh) It’s 2018 And it can’t even blow itself up? Fucking piece of shit! No! God… Please, please Professor, just let us go, ok man? I’m afraid I can’t do that Ted Don’t you two see that in order for humanity to survive, it must evolve. That’s what this visitor from the star has brought us, salvation! We must join them. This is our second chance My second chance. Professor think about what you’re doing Emma… Did you know that long before I was a biologist, I had a much truer and deeper passion? Yes… My first love was and always will be… Musical theater! Oh God no This guy is fucking nuts! After examining that creature you once called Charlotte, I made a fascinating discovery. These aliens… They- they possess a highly specialized gland that allows them to communicate through rhythmic frequencies They’re drawn to music! Like a moth to the flame… No, no, don’t fucking do it. Please! Don’t you fucking do it! This is humanity’s eleventh hour and I’ve prepared something for the occasion Oh god. nonononono (singing) It’s a Show-stopping number a real showstopper a show-stopping number Come on Something to suck ’em to bring them a-crawling a big-time box-office draw With the press and the glamour We’ll kill the reviews! Spotlight on Mr. Ingénue So feel up your Tumblr, got a show-stopping number for you (speaking) Please Professor if they hear us they will kill us! – A soul stopping number
– (speaking) Oh god is something you die for A real catchy earworm-y tune An award winning score That seeps in and out of your pores. (speaking) No no! A ditty to make the chorus girls swoon! You know unifies humanity In a poundering chorus No exits from this Broadway venue So crash those shiny cymbals, got a show stopping hymnal for you (speaking) This song’s pretty good, huh? I bet you didn’t know I was also a composer. In fact, while I’ve been preparing for the apocalypse, I’ve also been writing my own musical Do you mind if I give you the pitch? – We don’t have time…
– Fucking go for it It’s called.. Working Boys! A new musical. It’s the story of a group of old college chums. Sure, they found success in the business world. But still, they long for the simpler times. In that beat-up old house at the edge of college campus But those glory days, they’re gone for good Or… Are they? This here… This is the title number! (singing) Business calls! I’m up to my ass in shit! What is this business? Market’s are crashing and I’m at the edge of my wits I just can’t take it. When all I want to do Is spend the day with Greg and Steve and Stu and Mark and Leighton and Chad and- Ring ring the phone rings I answer it Oh hey, Greg I’m swamped with business Stocks, bonds, golden parachutes… Remember those days on the football fields, Greg? Last week feels like ages ago Today? After work on football field? the old stomping ground, ey Greg? Just you and me and Steve and Stu Mark nd Layton (Both) and Chad Five o’clock. I’ll see you then Greg I’ll see you then All I want to do Is spend that day with Steve and five o’clock can’t come soon enough five o’clock can’t come soon enough five o’clock can’t come soon enough I can’t wait to get home to my boys A show stopping number A real show stopper An aria to rule them all They’ll throw us their money at full price admission The world will come crumbling down Hamilton move over, your new competition’s in town. Hey, Henry! Greg! Is it really you? No Professor! That’s not Greg! Been a long time! Hey boys, you’re ready to toss around that pigskin? Stu! You haven’t aged a day Can it be five o’clock already? It must be! Come on Henry, we got some catching up to do Working boys, we’re up to our ass in shit What is this business? Five o’clock can’t come soon enough Five o’clock can’t come soon enough Five o’clock can’t come soon enough I can’t wait to get home to my boys! Oh! Help! Please please please! Oh my god! Please God! If you save me right now, I promise I’m gonna be a better person, please. It’s okay guys, I’m here Paul! Shh, we gotta get out of here while they’re distracted! Oh my god, should I take this chair? Yes I’ll get the piano! Yes, yes, make me one of you! Wait no! Not my tummy! No! Come on guys, there’s a helicopter coming to pick us up. We gotta get to Oakly Park in- oh shit it’s 10:52 We’re gonna have to huff it Wait Paul. I gotta say something. Not now Ted! Yes now! Today, uh… Today has, uh, has broken me. I’m ashamed of how I acted earlier with Bill Well shit, I wanted to abandon Erica back there Emma! Gesundheit and Paul I wish I could be brave Like you Shut the fuck up dude. We gotta go! But you see, I deserve any kind of abuse you guys want to give me, alright? Because I- come here I’ve been a grade-a asshole But I swear! Come on. I swear I am gonna be a better person because today has taught me something and it’s It’s what’s really important in this life. And it’s the people you care about, you know? Hey Paul? I have always considered you one of my best friends- Working boys, you’re up to your ass in shit! Ok I’m just gonna run away right now! – I hate you ok bye!
– Get the fuck back here, you coward! Hey I said I’d be a better person, I’m still not a good person! UGH! Bye! Fuuuuuuuck that Okay, all right I just gotta get to that chopper just gotta get to that chopper (drum trills) What? Huh! Oh yeah! The military! Oh yes! Over here! Over here! Yes, just save me! I’m the only one that survived, everyone else is dead! Oh I tell ya. Oh, man, you guys are a sight for sore eyes, huh? You know, I always support the troops. That’s number one. Number two. I bleed red white and- (gunshot) I don’t know what you’ve been told, but Americans should fit a mold. There’s war to be fought in this country against those that are far too bold Two-party system left and right, there’s only room for right and wrong It’s you and me and me and you. The loudest become the strong. Yeah, we’re great again (Woah Woah Woah) America’s great again (Woah Woah Woah) Thank you Emma! Oh God no! General McNamara, they got you too! Who’s General McNamara? He was a good man Sir, it’s Paul! – Wha-?
– Run, Emma! Run! You can’t run (Woah you can’t run Woah) Cause our borders are closed (Woah our borders are closed Woah) You’re staring down a gun Oh my god! We have to get out of here! But the helicopter is coming to meet us here! Cause you’re easily disposed What are we supposed to do? Just go through them? Oh jeez. I don’t- I don’t know The final solution Just run for it! We missed our chance! They’re moving! Is a charted course on the winds of our own evolution Singularity had through a predestined self-destruction Watch out! So that we may reveal the experience of the new construction Yeah we’re great again (gunshot) (helicopter whirring) Paul! The helicopter! Come on! We’re great again, no answers to be found We’re great again, no answers to be found (helicopter whirring) Oh my god, Paul! Oh we made it! Woah! No one else is coming they’ve all been infected. Get us out of here! Yes! I thought I was fucking die in Hatchetfield But we’re not, Paul! We got out of there and we’re never going back Fuck you Hatchetfield! Emma, seatbelts! It’s a little bumpy Hey, hey! Ma’am, you really saved our asses back there Ma’am! Thank you, Hey! Hey Mr. Business, how do you do? Zoey? Can we get a triple for you? (slowmotion) Nooooooooo (gunshot) (alarm siren) (helicopter crash) Emma! Emma! Huuuh Emma! Aughhh Oh! Oh god Emma! Your leg! Oh fuck! Ughhh Emma… I hate to say this right now, but this is what seatbelts are for Shiiiitt Emma Emma, we’re still in Hatchetfield, we need to get to the shore! We need to find a boat or something No no ahhhhhh! Paul, I can’t make it. I’m not getting off the island. No, but Emma those those things are gonna find us. Okay, so… You gotta fucking kill them before they do The meteor You gotta you got to destroy the meteor, Paul. It’s like your friend said, you know The hive mind? Which friend? Bill, Ted, Charlotte? I don’t know your friend’s fucking names You take the head off, the whole thing goes down Okay – Ugghh
– Okay Okay So I just need to Get to the Starlight Theater, destroy the meteor, and all these things will drop dead? Yeah, I sure as shit hope so Ugh You stay here and try to hang on Hey… Paul? Um I know Why you came into Beanies all those times… instead of just going to Starbucks and it wasn’t cause you liked our shit coffee Our coffee was shit ’cause we didn’t care shhhhhh and sometimes we would spit in it and you might have drank my spit, but I didn’t know you back then and I wish I did. Anyway Paul If we get through this, I would love to just see a nice SILENT movie with you. But in case we don’t, kiss me? Okay. (cough) Ugh Oh… Oh Emma… Oh yeah… That was a lot of blood I think that I think thats all of it though So get back on in here No thanks…. No… I’m sorry. Yeah, you’re right fuck it. Get outta here Okay. Byeeeee Didja hear the word? What’s the word? He’s a comin’ Who’s a comin’? Paul’s a comin’ Paul’s a comin’? The star of the show! Let him come Word? What’s the word? He’s a comin’ Who’s a comin’? Paul’s a comin’ Paul’s a comin’? The star of the show! Let him come! The old Starlight Theater There it is The meteor We’ve been waiting for you Paul! Bill! S-stay back Watch out Paul! He might kick your head. And that would be a ladidada-da-Dah Ted! Emma’s boss! That’s right Paul, all your best friends are here We’re happy now! We got what we wanted! No. No. Mr. Davidson didn’t want to become a mindless alien slave. He wanted to be choked by his wife. While he jerked off! Well, I’m going to put a stop to all this. I thought you didn’t care about saving the planet. Back off Greenpeace girl! I pull this pin and you’re all toast! You wouldn’t do that, Paul. I sure as hell will And what about you? You’d die too, is that what you want? It doesn’t matter what I want We think it does, Paul And we wanna hear about it In fact, we think there’s a song in you yet! (singing) What’s in your soul? Is your heart so damp and bleak, That you won’t give us a peek of your soul? Just let it out! Theres a voice inside of you on the edge of comin’ through What’s it about? And I know it’s a singular voice, Paul You just gotta give up your choice! Just let it out! Let it out, let it out Let it out, let it out, let it out Just let it out! Let it out, let it out! Let it out, let it out Never! (speaking) It’s your proximity to the meteor, Paul. The air in here is thick with its spores, feel your apotheosis begin as they take root in your mind! Did you really think we’d let you kill us? You’ll be one of us before you can pull that pin What was that? You let it out Is that a note or just a sound? Am I finally comin’ round to a rhymin’-scheme Oh god! Just stop it, I’m split in two Is this me or is this you? Am I dead, I’m comin’ apart at the seams! La dah dah Dadadadadada NO! Nonono no no nonooooo! Just let it out! Let it out, let it out (dry heaving) Let it out, let it out, let it out Just let it out, let it out, let it out Let it out, let it out, let it- I’ve never been happy Wouldn’t that be nice? Is this the secret? Singing and dancing through life? Is my integrity worth anything at all? But happiness can’t come before it’s fall Am I crazy? Maybe I’ve always been become what I’ve hated Or maybe I never did It’s awful freeing now to share the hate I felt But what will I let in if I Let it out, let it out, let it out Am I crazy? I don’t think so… Let it out, let it out, let it out Maybe I’ve always been Just let it out! Let it out, let it out God help me out! Let it out, let it out If I let it Ouuuuuuuutt We will not be resisted! I Don’t Like Musicals! (electrical buzz) WoooOOooOoOoooOoooo This is the Morning Clivesdale News with Rachel and Rod It’s been two weeks since tragedy struck our sister city of Hatchetfield. Candlelight vigils line the streets, as Clivesdale citizens try to make sense of this unspeakable loss Every last man, woman, and child in Hatchetfield, gone in the blink of an eye A meteor and a ruptured gasline was all it took to wipe them off the map But it will take much much more to wipe them from our hearts (heart monitor beeps) Is she ready to go? How’s that leg doing, Kelly? Uh yeah, why’d it have to be Kelly? I liked my old name Couldn’t you have picked something similar, like Emily or that’s all I can think of That’s a negative, Kelly You’ll get used to it In the meantime, we can’t have anyone making any connections between you and Emma Perkins, who perished in the Hatchetfield Catastrophe. Yeah that was the other thing, you couldn’t even give me a cool death? Like, Emma Perkins, her flesh melted off while she was shielding children Ya know something heroic? I mean it was my idea to destroy the meteor after all (tongue click) and Uncle Sam is not ungrateful Here Kelly, this is for you Inside, you’ll find a new passport, social security card, and the deed to a 5-acre plot of land in Colorado Green. Fertile. Hell of a place to grow some cannibis. Thanks. Um, Colonel Schaffer You’re sure there were no other survivors? We’ve been through this Kelly, there were no survivors. Save for one pocket-sized squirrel we found burrowed in the chest of a local woodworker. Awww Peanuts! I’m glad he got out of there. Now THAT is a story we can disclose to the public. In the wake of a tragedy like this, little bit of good news goes a long way. Yeah, its just um Paul He was a good man, Kelly If not for his sacrifice, the outbreak would have spread to the mainland. It was contained in Hatchetfield, but if it had gotten loose here in Clivesdale, there’d be no stopping it Goodbye, Kelly! Good luck with the pot farm. Thanks. Oh! One more thing You’ll be escorted to Colorado by a Mr. Ben Bridges. He’s waiting outside Oh, I don’t know any Ben Bridges. Well according to our records, you two were very good friends. People would like to say it’d become something more. Oh my god! Paul! You made it! We made it! (singing) Emma, I’m sorry You lost. (speaking) Paul? (singing) Emma, I’m sorry You lost your way (speaking) Paul, you’re scaring me. What if I told you I made it? And this is the life that I chose (speaking) What? Would you even believe it, Emma? Do you believe in ghosts? (speaking) What? What if I told you a story that settled all the dust? I’m still the man you trust (speaking) no… no.. Its inevitable for us (speaking) No! Get away from me, you’re not Paul! You’re one of them! Before I had no ambition, now my life is a song Don’t you want to see me happy? Is this so tragically wrong? What if the only choice is you had to sing to survive? We must go on with the show! It’s inevitable! Do ya know what I want now? You know what you want now? Emma, I want you to join the party, are you going to tip me? Get your cup of coffee Look at the fun we’re having already What? I’m following my calling, and you can do the same now Putting words to lyrics, and you’re playing the game now. (speaking) Is this a fucking loop? It’s all there is and all there ever was Emma! (screams) Let me puke in your mouth, Em! Just open your food bin, girl And you can join the hive By showing those hands, show me those jazz hands Get ’em up or you’re shit out of luck Show me those hands, show me those jazz hands Or I might be inclined to Plant my seed (speaking) NO! NO! The hive needs to feed! I mean this is guaranteed If you just give us one last Show stoppin’ number, with Emma front and center A kickline is inevitable What if I told you a story on how the world became peaceful and just? It was inevitable Inevitable! Inevitable! The apotheosis is upon UUUUSSSSSSSSS! (electrical buzz) Excuse me? Excuse me, can someone help me please? Could you just take out your phone? Can I? Can I use your phone please? Why are you clapping?! Hey! Could you just take out your phone? Can I use your phone? No! Nono! Please! Throw it! Noo!